Mr. Cold-hearted

Chapter 13: About love II

I cried for almost 10 minutes, she was really nice and kind with me, she just caressed my head with her cute small warm hand.
- Oh I think you should lay your head on my chest.
I was thinking about that too, I wanted it so badly.
- Yes please I'm dying to do that.
- Okay then, do it, you have my permission.
I lay my head on her chest and I heard to her heartbeats, they were so peaceful, I started to feel better immediately.
- Oh my cutie, you are just like a little boy.
- Maybe because I didn't have enough love when I was a child.
- Yeah, maybe. Are you calm now?
- Yes, I am.
- Do you want to continue?
- Yes.
- What about ******?
- I met her one year ago in a coffee shop, I was talking by phone, I said hello and she replied hi, I wasn't talking to her, but we started talking. We talked about 15 minutes, then she had to leave but she gave me her phone number, I gave her mine. The next day I talked to her and we went to the park, we talked about music and we found our tastes were really similar. Then we started to hang out almost every day and we didn't get bored at all, we used to talk about our studies and our aspirations, also about music and other nice stuff, it was really nice to have someone like her. After one month we figured out that we wanted to be with each other, we were really shy but after some days we both figured out a way to say we loved each other. After that problems started to appear, I thought she was playing with me so I pushed her away in order to see if she tries to get back to me, and she did. I also thought I wasn't enough for her, so I pushed her away and she got back to me begging, I did that a lot, she also made me cry sometimes but I think it was about 20-4, I broke her heart 20 times. She had to leave the city in order to study, we didn't talk at all for almost three months, not even by texting, suddenly some day she returned and she told me that she didn't want to know about me, that I was a troublemaker, a piece of shit, a bastard and she said other mean stuff. She forgot her phone so I checked her messages, and I found she was cheating since almost two months. Now I don't know about her anymore.
- Okay. Do you miss her?
- Oh my God of course I miss her, - I said while crying - she wasn't perfect but she filled my life in lots of ways.
- Really? How?
- I trusted her all my secrets and thoughts, I even made love to her, but my purpose was to build a confident relationship when we can talk about anything without feeling bad, now I realize she didn't make love to me, she was just playing, she wanted sex but not a confident relationship.
- What else do you miss?
- Oh my God, almost everything, I miss being able to open my heart to someone, I miss being myself: weak, stupid, funny and cheesy, I miss being able to look at her eyes, I miss her voice, I miss her hair, her hugs, her kisses...
- Do you still love her?
- Y...ye...yes, I said and I started to cry in a really loud way.
- No, no, calm down.
- IT'S JUST I CAN'T! I FEEL STUPID, I AM JEALOUS, DEPRESSED.
- But please calm down, we can fix that over time.
- NO, my life is empty. I gave her my heart and she crushed it all that's why I am this way, I am scared of everything, I'm just going to get crazy someday and even kill myself.
- What else did you do?
- Oh lots of things, letters, chocolates, poems, stories, I sang her to sleep a couple of times, I drew her, she was my whole life and now I can't live anymore and the worst part is that it's all my fault, it's all my fucking fault, I lost her and now my life is empty. GOD I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH I WANT TO KILL MYSELF, I JUST WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF SO BADLY AND BURN IN HELL FOREVER, I WANT THAT SO BADLY, I'M WORTHLESS, I AM A PIECE OF TRASH, I RUINED HER LIFE, GOD PLEASE KILL ME.
- I understand you.
- No, you don't understand anything.
She started to cry too:
- Why would you say something like that? - She said while crying.- Do you want to know why I live alone? It's because my parents died, all my family died, my dad needed a heart but nobody wanted to help him, so he died, three months ago. So I UNDERSTAND YOU, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELING, PLEASE JUST STOP FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES.
- Okay, calm down please.
- NO, I CAN'T. I MISS MY DAD SO MUCH I USED TO BE HIS PRINCESS AND NOW I DON'T HAVE ANYONE, THE WORST PART IS THAT I AM ONLY TWENTY-ONE YEARS OLD, I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT LIFE MEANS, I NEED SOMEONE BUT I DON'T HAVE THAT ONE.
- Please hug me.
- NO.
- Pretty please.
- NO.
I didn't listen to her and I hugged her anyways, we cried and cried and cried and cried for almost one hour until we both fell asleep.
I woke up, she was holding me, her eyes were swollen, mine were too.
I am broken, I said.
She was still sleeping. I caressed her face and I started to feel bad, her eyes looked really swollen, she cried a lot yesterday.
- I'm broken too, she said.
- Are you awake?
- No, but I can listen, remember.
It was weird, but I just ignored it all.
- Please, wake up.
She opened her eyes and she looked at me.
- Oh, your eyes.
- Don't worry, yours look like this too.
- We are broken.
- Yes, we are broken.
- We are beautifully broken.
- Just like the song.
- What song?
- That's song.
- Which one?
- That one that says: We are beautifully broken and we can be whole again even a million scars, doesn't change whose we are, we are worthy, we are beautifully broken.
- Sing it to me please.
I did what she asked me for.
When I finished singing beautifully broken by Plumb she smiled again.
- Thank you.
- Can I tell you something?
- Sure.
- I love you.
- Aww, really?
- Yes, I love you, I love you, I love you.
- I love you too, so much.