catharsis.

o v e r think.

it's a wednesday. 5.30pm in the evening. the fluroescent glow from the lamps overhead throw the sickly green walls into sharp contrast.

the sun is outside, just out of reach. its light cannot touch me.

I should be writing my report. instead of staring at the screen like an idiot. procrastinating. looking everywhere but where my eyes need to be. thinking about everything but the corporate structure of a company and what the role of a deputy executive producer is. thinking about how I've really screwed everything over how I've screwed myself over how I keep fucking screwing everyone over.

probably. probably screwed everything over. but 'probably' is a word drenched in hope and honey that I cannot afford to swallow.

unforgiving. unyielding. unapologetic. adjectives run marathons in my head. I don't remember being like this. not at 10. not at 15. not at 18. what happened to me? what happened to the laughter and the easiness and since when did this heaviness envelop every heartbeat?

I feel alone. am probably going to be alone. this time the word 'probably' tastes like month-old water left to molder in an old plastic bottle. 'don't you trust us?' echoes in my head, two friends sandwiched between two beds, sitting on the floor realising my faith had fallen apart and not knowing when it had. I loathe arguments, but am so very good at them. fire only rises to meet gasoline; I do not burn without reason. but I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I'm trying. to let go. to move on. but I can't shake the fear that comes so close to being true.

if even a friend of thirteen years, your closest friend, your best friend chose to leave you behind, then what's stopping them? you think they'll stick around? you think they'll take you as you are? you are toxic, you are wicked, you are vile. they loathe to touch you, they loathe to speak to you, they loathe you. can you blame them? you have too much fire in you, you are more bitter than they can handle. what made you think that this was possible? what made you think you deserved something good? it has already begun to show the cracks in its foundation. see, here. spiderwebbing across the marble. watch your castle crumble. watch the devil smile.

have I been lying to myself this whole time, telling myself I was needed, I was wanted, that I actually mattered to someone else?

breathe.

in, out, repeat till the static in my head slows to a dull hum. I don't know how, but I can feel my heart trembling. as if it's going to burst.

just stop thinking that way, they told me once. that's the only thing that'll help.

I'm sorry.

but it doesn't.