catharsis.

"I don't deserve you."

be it in real life, movies, or in past relations, I often hear this: "I don't deserve you".

and oftentimes, it's always followed by the same thing: the person leaving, or breaking it off with the other person.

and I'm so sorry if I think on a completely different plane of existence from these people – or heck, maybe even most people – but I find this complete and utter bullshit.

it's not like I don't get the train of thought; you think a person's just completely out of your league, or just too good for you, or even too good to you. sometimes, it's because you're just not that into a person, and though it serves as a half-assed excuse to shrug someone off in an extreme display of shittiness, it also is a half-truth: you know you can't love the person the way he or she deserves to be loved, and so you let them go because you know they'll find someone who'll do their heart justice. alright, fair enough.

but right now, that's not the kind of thing I want to address. what I really want to talk about, what really gets under my skin, is the defeatist and sometimes pessimistic outlook behind every "I don't deserve you".

make no mistake, I'm not someone with a really high self-esteem myself. so I get it when people feel like they're not good enough for their partner, or if they feel awful because they feel like they can't give their partner what they feel their partner deserves. trust me, I get it. for someone who's been struggling with relapses for the past four years, I feel it nearly every day.

but what I don't get? what I don't get is why some people say that, and then go forth to do nothing at all about it.

the way I see it, if you feel like you don't deserve your partner, then you should striveto make yourself someone worthy of them, someone worthy of their love.

and even if it gets you nowhere, sometimes striving is just all it takes. the unavoidable fact that you tried.

don't say "I don't deserve you" and then proceed to screw up more. don't say "I don't deserve you" and proceed to prove to them exactly why you don't. those words are not for you to use as an excuse, and especially not for you to get out of shitty behaviour. it doesn't matter how you are as a person. it doesn't matter if your partner is too kind, too patient, or too good to you. hell, it doesn't matter even if your partner looks like a 10 and you're probably only a solid 5 on your good days. the person you're with probably already knows that. but the thing is, they don't care (or maybe they do, but they love you enough not to). they know that, and they love you anyway. they keep giving you what they can, despite of it.

and if you loved them badly enough, what makes you think you wouldn't at least try?

so with that in mind, how can someone think it's fair to simply just stop at an "I don't deserve you"? how can someone think it's fair to not put these thoughts into action, to not become someone more deserving? wouldn't you try to be someone more worthy, if you loved them and thought they deserved it?

maybe I'm just a fighter when it comes to love, but to be realistic, love is partly choice, effort, and hard work.

I've been on both sides of the struggle. I've been left behind by people who thought I deserved better, when I could've cared less about what I deserved when they were all I wanted.

but I've also been the one who felt unworthy. and I've never let that stop me from trying to be the person I feel my mate deserves.

and so, my advice would be to maybe try:

"I don't deserve you, but I want to, and I'll try my best to be worthy of you. I may not deserve you, may never be able to, but I promise to make you so happy you will glow for the rest of your days. I do not deserve you, and I think I might never will, but I will fight for you, for the right to be yours, until I stop breathing."

"I don't deserve you, but I wish I did... and so that is what I will become."