catharsis.

par · amour.

i.

he was the first

who made me see what

magic

truly was.

how my life could be

filled, bursting, overflowing

screaming

color.

he made me feel like

somehow, fairytale endings

were possible.

it's a shame

he never knew about

all the pictures in my head

I painted of us.

it's a shame

he never will.

ii.

childhood rivalry

never seemed so far away

when it came to him.

he was reinvented,

remade;

he started feeling like

home.

a boy that had

all the right words to say,

sharing inside jokes between us that

melted in your mouth,

exchanging playfully barbed banter that

coated your throat

with sweetness.

I realized too late that his heart had always belonged to another.

       

iii.

he was sweet enough,

trying to be the home

I never had,

wiping the tears from my face

that lone moment I was weak enough to cry.

but his honey turned into poison soon enough,

his envy overwhelming it all as

he called me a storm and left.

I guess he wasn't wrong.

so when he came crawling back, I made sure to carve all mercies from my chest.

    

vi.

he's a kindred spirit;

his shadows matching my own.

I want to be his remedy.

yet I can't help but feel like

this will either

heal or break us.

he hasn't hurt me

not yet

not really.

but I am afraid

of the day he will.

I am afraid

of losing him,

of fucking this,

of fucking us up.

I am afraid

of the day that I

am proven a fool for thinking

that this was ever meant

to last.