Blackthorns

04: scars

Raeleigh

I sat on the sofa, waiting for Uriah. He was making coffee, and as I sat there, legs curled up under me, I wondered. I wondered how it came to this. I looked down at the bandages covering my arms and legs, sighing. I knew it wasn't the right way to cope. I knew that. But in that moment... nothing was stopping me. No one was stopping me. I'd told Uriah not to come. And if it hadn't been for him not listening to me, I might be in a hospital bed right now. He... he saved me. He always did. I'd fall apart, and he'd be there to pick up the pieces. It had always been that way, even when we were kids. He'd always been the one to look out for me.

But I wondered if that took a toll on him.

I wondered if that's why he hated me worrying about him.

Because no one was ever there to look out for him. No one ever looked after him.

The only person ever fully there for him was himself. I tried, but he never wanted my help. I think he was just so used to having no one ever look after him, that it scared him when I did. It made him uncomfortable. And it killed me to no end. It killed me knowing that he'd rather suffer than let his best friend help him. Because that's what he was used to.

He was used to no caring about him. For years. Ten years, to be precise. We became friends thirteen years ago. But there was always that piece of him where he thought no one cared. Where he wanted no one to care. Because that's what he knew. His whole childhood, no one really cared. No one looked out for him. I just... I wished I met him sooner.

As I sat, thinking, I hadn't noticed the tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. Uriah walked in then, and, realising I was crying, nearly dropped the coffee mugs. He sat beside me, his hand on my shoulder.

"Rae, why are you crying? Is it Da-" He began softly, before I cut him off.
"No. Not this time. It's just-" I couldn't finish my sentence. I flung my arms around him, squeezing him tight. "You know I care about you, right?" I said, sniffing.
"O-of course, Rae. B-but, where is this coming from?" He questioned, confused.

"I just- you want to look after me. But there's no one to look after you. You won't let me." I said quietly, letting go of him.
"Rae- I don't need looking after. I'm fine." He insisted. But for once, I was right. Not him.

"No, Uri. You're not. Even I'm sleeping more than you. Just let me help you." I wasn't backing down. Not this time.
"I- I can't, Rae. It's not that I don't want you to. I just- I don't know how. No one's ever looked after me before." His voice broke as he said that, tears rolling down his cheeks.

He was broken. He was an expert at hiding it, but it was true. He was broken, and to think about why... it pained me. It really did. He would fake a smile. Anyone can fake a smile. But the thing is - what I've learned over the years - you can't hide the pain in your eyes. It doesn't matter how much you smile, how hard you laugh - your eyes will show the pain. And it wasn't different for Uriah. The look in his eyes... it killed me. It really did.

We both just sat there, tears falling down our faces.

"Then let me show you. Just let me try. Please? For me?" I managed to squeeze out, my voice breaking. He looked up, his expression making me want to cry a river and jump into his arms. His eyes were empty. Broken and empty. Any life they once had was long gone. If there was ever any life in them, that is. He couldn't respond, only nodded as he pulled me into a hug, which I think was more for his benefit rather than mine. He held onto me for dear life. He clung onto me like a child to their mother. I pulled his head onto my lap, stroking his soft, dark brown hair. He gently closed his eyes, sniffing as tears continued to roll down his cheeks.

I wasn't sure what happened after that, but we both eventually fell asleep - something neither of us had been getting much of. I woke up a few hours later with a blanket covering me, and no Uriah. I panicked for a second, until I heard the shower running. I went into my bedroom and sat down, rubbing my face. I wasn't sure how long I was sat there for until Uriah appeared in the doorway, his hair wet and messy.

"I hope it's okay that I used the shower." He said awkwardly, leaning against the doorframe. I chuckled fondly, shaking my head.
"Of course it's okay, Uri. You know that." He then walked towards me, sitting down next to me.

"W-what would you do if I- if I... w-went to see her?" He stuttered, avoiding eye contact.
"S-see who?" I asked, although I feared I already knew the answer.
"N-N-Nicola..." He whispered, turning away from me.
"Uriah... it doesn't matter what I'd do. It only matters what you want. It depends if you can handle it. I just- I care about you. You know that. It fucked you up the last time you went. You've only just managed to get over it. I'm not saying don't. I'm just saying think about it. If not for my sake, for your own. Please." I said, putting my hand on his shoulder. He turned around to face me, but still avoided eye contact.

"I already have. I'm not going there to forgive her, Rae. I'm going for an explanation. I just want to know why." He said, but even he sounded unsure of what he was saying. I sighed, defeated. I didn't know what to tell him. I just nodded, rubbing his arm.
"Okay. If you're sure." I said, resting my head on his shoulder. "I'll drive you and wait outside."

He then rested his head on mine, closing his eyes.

"Thank you, Rae. I love you." He whispered.

"I love you too, Uri."

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