4/24/18
I've chosen my words carefully
The scenery of bright skies and open valleys are dead to me
The numbness is here only when I don't feel pain,
And when i'm pained it fades.
My world has tumbled down this rock of everlasting hurt,
I never could have imagined this would hurt this much.
I want to kill myself
I think of all the possibilities,
Every end and turn.
Should I turn to drugs or drinking,
Or should I slit my wrist?
In order to stop the hurt, I want to hurt more,
Please Mother take my hand, and lead me to Heaven's land
I've tried to explain but they don't understand.
They say I'm on a power trip,
The thought of it just makes me sick.
I take down my pictures because they make me look happy,
I turn around the donkey to keep me from vomiting.
They don't understand and yet I try so hard
Why do I try so hard?!
When no one is going to listen, I turn to a piece of paper,
When that pencil and paper turn to a razor and wrist,
I hope they understand the depth of this.
It's not about attention,
It's not a game.
I just really miss you saying my name.
I miss not wanting to cry every time i'm in trouble,
I miss being able to have an equal voice.
I miss being respected and loved.
I miss being loved.
Above all I miss being loved.
But people like me,
We don't deserve love.
We don't deserve to be happy.
People like me kill themselves to become happy.
People like me..
People like me..
We don't deserve success even if we do our best
We don't deserve it.
I don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to have a dream,
I don't deserve to be anything.
It's not worth the effort.
I think I'm done trying.
I think I'm done fighting.
I'm ready to fall back into my shell,
And make my own personal hell.
Please. Kill me.
If you don't I will.
Slowly.
From the inside,
To the outside.
My personal hell.
