Feelings, rants, and more

So...

Uh...
Yesterday was...
A day
I guess.
I had a really tough day and adding that on top of the tough weeks I've had recently was just too much.
I... wanted to kill myself yesterday. I really did. And I really debated it too. All I had to do was swallow some pills and it would be over with. I cried so much. I firmly believe that one of the only reasons I survived was music. Twenty-one pilots, to be specific. I also watched Brendon Urie tell us that he loves us and he would be very sad if we killed ourselves. So, to put it shortly, yesterday really, really fucking sucked.
Anyway, today I went to see my school counselor (thx to Victoria ❤️) and I think it went well. She said she has to tell my parents if I'm thinking about hurting myself. So I just told her that the thought went through my head. It wasn't really a genuine thing and I wasn't going to do it. I just realized how easy it would be. That's a lie but my parents can't find out. She asked when the last time I'd had the thoughts were and I said I couldn't remember. She asked if it was this morning and I said no. She asked if it was this past week and I said yes. Which is true I guess. She helped me and told me some things I can do to help myself get better. We talked about a lot of things, and the conclusion was, essentially, that I focus too much on others. I do things for others and solve other people's problems before I solve my own. She told me that I should focus on myself for a while. Do things I like to do, plan out my day and week, etc. I think it helped a lot. Even if it was very generic advice, I think hearing it said specifically to me in real life meant a lot. I also got a chance to just talk a little bit. And while I might not have told her everything yet, I told her more than I think I've ever told anyone at once. It felt good. I was shaking the whole time and I almost cried. I've never been to a counselor for that sort of thing before, nor have I been to therapy. I didn't know what to do. There was lots of silence, but I think that was okay. We agreed for me to come check in tomorrow to see how I'm doing and make sure I'm alive. I also promised to come in again next Monday.
Sorry that was ling but I felt like I needed to get out what happened. Today was a much better day in comparison to yesterday. Although it wasn't necessarily a great day, I think it was an okay day, and that is fine with me. I'd rather have lots of okay days tan one terrible day like yesterday. That was by far the most suicidal I've ever felt. And I'm glad I'm talking to someone about it now.
Ps thank you so much Victoria for saying I should go see a counselor