𝙋𝙍𝙀𝙁𝙀𝙍𝙀𝙉𝘾𝙀𝙎, it chapter one

goodbye,,stan

This is from my new acc and I don't like it that much but I'm working on a chapter that I'm really proud of I scant wait to post it honestly.

unedited
word count,, 714
warnings,, mentioning of suicide, suicide note, depression, self harm, swearing.
ps,, Stan would never do any of these things but whateva

Dear stan,

Hey, it's y/n!
I know you probably don't want to hear from me, but please just listen.

I've been thinking about everything you said to me, and honestly you were right. I fucking hate it so much, I hate that you're right. I am disgusting. I am fake. I am a slut. And everything would be easier if I would just go away.

God I wish you had never said any of that shit. I understand that I hurt you, but nothing hurts more than sitting against your bedroom door wishing the world would just go away. Hoping the kids at school would leave you alone, that people would start valuing you. that everything could go back to the way it was.

You made me realise just how shitty people can be, how pathetic you are and how pathetic I was. I know that I hurt you, I made you feel like you didn't belong, but you went too far.
You took everything away from me. everything I ever had. everything I took for granted. you spread rumours about me, make me the school slut, told the group to stop talking to me. took all my friends away. you made my parents hate me, my brother was disgusted by me for something that wasn't even true.

I'll never forget that smug smirk on your face as I cried out to you. as my brother was hitting me for some stupid thing you said I did with a guy a few years above, a guy I didn't even know, you never showed any remorse. never looked a little sorry, you looked at ease. so happy with yourself for finally ruining my life. congrats I guess, you did it! you fucking ruined me.

I hate you stan. I hate you so fucking much. you lovable little dick. I hate you. I hope you're happier now, I hope you have someone better than me. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have kissed him. a stupid fucking kiss. A KISS. you ruined me life over a fucking kiss, I ruined my life with a simple kiss. I'm sorry that it hurt you so much. I'm sorry that I'm such a slut. I'm sorry that I still love you.

I shouldn't love you, I should hate you with all my heart, but I don't. I really don't. There is nothing I want more than to hug you, to comfort you on your bad days, have things the way they used to be. I want you to be here for me, here right now. maybe if you were I'd be finding this a lot harder, this decision. maybe I wouldn't have to make it. If I still had someone, anyone maybe I wouldn't feel as bad as I do.
maybe if I still had you I wouldn't struggle with every breath.

I hope you still think of me, I hope you find love some day. I hope you find someone who knows you as well as I do. I love you stanley uris, with all my aching heart. I love you. I don't care if you don't love me back. I just want you to know. I want your last memories of me to be the happy ones, the good times. I miss you so much, I miss us so much. But I'll never forgive you.

I can't live like this stan. I can't look in the mirror every single day and see myself, I can't be me any longer. I hate myself so much. You don't have to forgive me after reading this, I don't want you to feel bad. If you want to it just throw it away. I just need you to know how I feel. I want you to have to explain why I won't be attending anymore classes. Why my parents have a spare bedroom, why my brother is now an only child. I love you stan, but that doesn't mean I want this to be easy for you. You made me feel like I didn't deserve to live, you don't deserve a happy ending either.

I'm sorry.

Have a nice life, uris.
I love you, forever and always xo