𝙋𝙍𝙀𝙁𝙀𝙍𝙀𝙉𝘾𝙀𝙎, it chapter one

theletter.bill

I wrote this imagine in 2017, It's still up, and I thought I'd rewrite it.

It took a long time like 3-4 hours, plz vote & comment x

trigger warning

the letter. that damned letter. it sat untouched on the drawers next to his bed. originally, the note was given to Beverly. y/n's best friend. unfortunately, Beverly couldn't deal with the mind-numbing pain of the letters 'presence'. the letter was then passed down to Richie, who ended up having the same issue as Bev. instinctively Bill volunteered to take the letter, unaware of the contents. that was until he was informed of what it was.

The note was sealed tightly in a white envelope, with 'the losers club' scribbled on the front. Bill was beginning to go insane, the voices in his head echoed throughout his room. He wanted to open the letter, he wanted to know why. wearily he walked over to the drawers, staring down at the almost tormenting note. his palms began to sweat as he shakily reached for the note.

Bill played with the paper for a few minutes, still unsure of whether he should open it or not. He argued with himself, listing the pros and cons in his head. Sure, he probably shouldn't open it without the rest of the group, but they didn't want to read it anyway. He needed to know why, he needed to know how to stop the voices in his head. He wanted to fall asleep without the constant guilt of his friend's death racking his mind. His fingers dragged along the seal of the envelope before he subconsciously tore it open. 'no going back now' he whispered as he pulled the letter out. Bill quickly skimmed through the 3 small pages before taking a deep breath as he began to read.

hey, it's y/n.

I don't exactly know who's reading this, I just know it's 100% not Beverly. Whoever this is, I am so sorry for piling this all onto you. I do not intend to hurt anyone with the things I am about to say, It's just how I feel. Please know that I love you all so fucking much. None of this is your fault. You may have been one of the things thrown onto me, pressuring me. but you never did anything too big, apart from Richie. Hopefully, you're bill. If not then hey Stan! (Bill would pass the note down to stan). Obviously, you want to know why I did what I did. It's kind of a longish story. It all started when my little brother went missing at the very beginning of the summer. He was going to hang out at mikes house, along with the other two boys in their group. He never came home that night, and apparently, he never got there.

That was a lot to deal with. My parents assured me that everything would be okay, You guys all promised me it'd be okay. It wasn't. It was never ok. You did the same thing to Bill after Georgie went missing. Georgie going missing. That.. that killed me. It was like an assurance that Will wasn't coming back. I suppose that's when Bill and I started getting a lot closer - he kinda became my best friend. We had both been through the same thing at roughly the same time. I joined the losers club after that, thanks for taking me in. I finally felt like I was needed by someone.

Everything was starting to look up, but then my parents started to argue. a lot. They blamed each other for Will, but then they placed the blame on me. That fucked me up. I remember running up to my room and crying for over an hour. That was the first time I cut - you guys didn't know about that. I knew that it was my fault. My parents had asked me to walk Will to his friends that night, but I was too busy talking to Jack to care. When I went into his room to get him he was already gone. I killed my brother, and I will never forgive myself. I never talked to any of you guys about that night, I didn't want to put my trust in you for you to just push me away. It's so stupid and I'm so sorry I felt like that, but I have major trust issues.

You boys were truly my happy place, but then you met Beverly. After that, you guys kind of forgot about me, especially Bill. I get it you're in love with the girl, but you were my best friend and I needed you. I still hung out with you guys, I had no other friends what else was I supposed to do? Beverly became my best friend, My agony aunt if you will. I told her about everything going on in my head, and she listened. All I ever needed was someone to listen. Eventually, Wills body was found, his body was at the bottom of a river on the route to mikes house. That's when my parents completely turned against each other, they split up. Unfortunately, my mum got custody, so I had to move away from you all.

That's how all this happened. My deep mindset and constant overthinking. I've driven myself insane and I can't take it anymore. You losers were the only thing keeping me sane, and she took you away from me. It took you away from me. She fucked with my mind too much, told me you guys hated me, constantly blames me for the death of my brother. And so now I'm sat here sobbing, a bottle of pills to my side for when I finish this letter. I'm sorry for doing this to you, so fucking sorry. I just live like this anymore.

You guys are all I ever had, and for that I thank you. Stay safe, there's something out there I can tell. I'll see you all again one day, just hopefully not soon. I don't want you to be sad, that's not why I wrote this. I wanted you to know why. You deserve to know why. There are just some things you can't leave to the imagination. some words that can't be left unspoken. You're probably going to hate me for saying this, especially now. Bill. God, I love you. I love you so much, but you love Beverly and that's okay. I used to promise myself I would tell you how I feel. now I have. Promise me you wont hurt Bev?

Love from, y/n xx

THIS IS BAD I'M WHEEZING.