The Assistant // Louis Tomlinson

25 - I Bleed When I Fall Down

****TRIGGER WARNING

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Use Somebody (Cover)

Don't kill the butterfly.

I can't kill him. I'd be killing Louis. I'd be killing Gen, my mom, my entire family that are only a few yards away.

But Brad is with them. He is there and he has them wrapped around his finger. I'm alone again. I can't do this alone.

I try and take a deep breath and push the internal conflict away for a second. That's all I need; a second.

Luckily, my grandpa still keeps a toolbox in the barn. The blade feels cool against my wrist as I tear the warm skin.

Across the road, not down the river.

I just need a break--not an end. Not yet.

As I pull the metal strip across the wings of the butterfly of everyone who cares about me--who doesn't want me to be doing this--I feel a wave of relief fall over me, sending a tingling sensation through my head that releases all the pain and tension my brain has built up. I breathe in a shaky breath. The tangles in my head slowly seem to unweave themselves and stop the spinning for that moment.

The warm blood trickles down my arm and I rest my head against the hay barrels I'm sat in front of. I look up and see Kobe staring at me from his stall, before I quickly look down again, hiding from even his scrutinizing gaze.

The tears fall down in streams as the release dwindles, pressure building back up quickly. Two will be enough, right? Then I will be good. Two is all I need to hold myself together, however ironic that is.

I skillfully begin sliding the blade across my butterfly, in a different spot, once again, slowly relishing in the pain, feeling my heart beat faster as it rushes blood to my wrist to clot the gushing wound.

It's the best bitter-sweet feeling.

When I'm about half-way across, I hear someone through the thumps of my heart beating in my ears.

"Avery!"

It's Louis. Before I even have time to panic, though, he is standing in the doorway, tears running down his face.

"Avery! No, baby, please, don't. Please, I love you. You don't need to go through this again. I'm here now. You don't need this," he cries as he walks over to cradle me in his arms after he takes the blade and tosses it away from us.

"No!" I screech and attempt to reach for the blade. "No, get away from me!" I cry hysterically.

Hurt flashes across his eyes at my rejection, but I can't help it. He doesn't understand. No one does.

"Avery! Stop! Hun, you need to let me help you!" he cries with me. I can't look at him, though. I can't look into his eyes and admit he's right. I just need the pain.

When he notices I'm no longer fighting back, he sits down beside me and pulls me into his lap.

I just cry in his arms and stare down at my bloody wrist. I want to finish the second cut. Even with Louis here, Brad is too much even for him to take away. Not only did the memories come rushing back into focus, but he took those memories and all they caused and shoved them in my face like a disgrace.

"I want to finish. Please, Louis," I cry into him.

I hear him start to sob harder against me.