Black Veil Brides: Janxx Vampire
Sink Your Teeth Into Forever...
Jake's Point Of View...
He hates me...why does he hate me...I didn't do anything wrong...did I? It must've been bad if it made Jinxx hate me...but why does he hate me?
My thoughts ran in circles as I stared into the mirror in our tour bus's bathroom, listening as the guys left to go to some club or whatever. I didn't want to go.
It would require energy, and that was just something I didn't have anymore.
Jinxx and Sammi divorced, Ella dumped me and I thought: 'Well, I've always had feelings for Jinxx...he just always had someone else, as did I, and now we don't. I should tell him how I feel.'.
Look how that had turned out.
The second night of tour, I had it all planned out. I was going to tell him, I showered, shaved, did everything you usually did before going out on a date, just in case. I even dressed up a little, not enough to get questioned on it, but a bit. We left the venue and he went to get something...that 'something' turning out to be a 'someone': he and some brunette bitch spent the night in his bunk. They had a great time, all night long, and I knew that for certain.
How?
I heard them.
Every night of tour, it was the same: Jinxx would disappear and then come back with some chick, and I would hear them from my bunk just below his, trying my hardest not to burst into tears.
It was breaking my heart: killing me slowly from the inside out.
Melodramatic, I know, but it was true. Pathetically so.
And deep down, all I wanted to do was speed up the process.
I knew it was wrong, I knew that suicide was never the answer, that all it did was end the chances of anything getting any better...I knew, but I didn't care. In my heart of hearts, I didn't care that I would be upsetting my band mates, my friends and family, the fans...I didn't even care that I would be upsetting Jinxx.
And that just made it all worse; what kind of selfish arsehole would deliberately and knowingly do something to hurt everyone they care about? My guilt was almost as bad as my heartache.
And then there were the newly-reinforced insecurities: was I not good enough? Not smart enough? Not talented enough? What was wrong with me?
Logically, I knew that none of those was the reason as to why Jinxx didn't love me like I loved him. It was just because he was because he was straight, and he loved me like a brother.
But for someone as selfish as me, it wasn't enough.
I wanted his love as a lover, and if I couldn't have his then I didn't want anyone's. Who could compare to someone so perfect?
Perfect blue eyes.
Perfect calm attitude.
Perfect height, even if he didn't see it like that.
Perfect mouth.
Perfect body.
Perfect sense of humour.
Perfect everything. And as much as I knew this was stupid...I was going to do it anyway.
I was going to kill myself. Now.
I scrambled around in my toiletry bag, feeling for the razor I'd concealed by taping it to a bar of soap - something none of us would ever use unless there was nothing else. It was only too easy to find and pull free, only seconds before I was holding the gleaming silver to my wrist...
