Dear Nobody

Entry 22: How I Faced Death

5.02 AM
If nobody wants to help me, I'll have to help myself.

12.01 PM
I said goodbye to Stephanie and she rolled her eyes. I expected it. Just wanted to say goodbye. Only Hazel has talked to me today. When I exited the building, she asked where I was going. Home, I replied.

12.26 PM
This hospital smells like death and grief. Patients I walk past look like they're bored and in pain. I understand. God, I hate pain. It takes over way too easily and controls everything. But it doesn't matter.

No one's in the room my grandma passed away in. Hm. I'm kinda surprised. This place is huge. And there are lots of people. Minding their own business. Thankfully.

See you later.

12.32 PM
I'm a thief. I took some leftover bread that was on a plate on a cart outside a room. Hehe. Lisa Prescott is a thief. I don't like thieves. They scare people. Mmh. They were probably gonna throw this out, though, right? It's more useful in my stomach than in a trash can.

Ahh. I'm sitting down on one of the beds. Let me tell you something. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to spend another meaningless day on this stupid planet. There is no point. I repeat, there is no point. I have no idea what so many people live for. Why are so many still alive? Why do so many want to live? It's stupid. Life is stupid. Society is stupid. Money is stupid. Power is stupid. Pain is stupid. The unlocked doors at this hospital are stupid.

12.49 PM
Yes. Life is meaningless. Who cares if you trip in front of a large crowd and almost run away crying? Who cares if you vandalize some random wall in an alley? Who cares if you rob a bank and get away with it? The thing is, none of it matters. Do you understand? If not, you and I could never be friends. You're probably one of those people who take a picture of a sunset and upload it on Instagram with the caption "La vie est belle". You probably think I'm stupid for thinking everything is meaningless, and you'll tell your friends I'm selfish as you sip your coffee while reading the article about my decision. You. You're strong. You can live. Because your brain is blinded by light. I can't live. Because my brain is wearing Gucci sunglasses.

12.54 PM
I'd like to apologize to my parents for all the trouble I've caused. In kindergarten where I hid under a bean bag because I didn't wanna go home. In the airport in Vietnam where I refused to leave a shop if I didn't get this cute teddy bear. In a street restaurant in Laos where I moved to another table because I was mad at my parents. When I spilled hot chocolate on my dad's laptop. When I became a teenager and started going through puberty. When I didn't wanna go to school. When I got lazy. When I made my mom cry. When I lost my will to live. I'm grateful to you for putting up with all my bullshit.

Thank you.

Goodbye.