Emo Love

Chapter 41

After I pondered a bit for my mom, I pondered on how things are going to get "so positive" when Billy's going to be around. Never mind that. I went over to my desk & spotted a photo. I could've sworn that I show Nathan this: It's a family photo when we were in HongKong. This shot was taken when we were in Disneyland. It was something to remember while it lasted. Everytime I look at it, I remember the happy times as a family. I tell people to shut the fuck up everytime I cry because I don't want them to know what I'm sad about or I just don't like sharing my sadness with other people that I'm not comfortable talking about it. I tell it to my friends & to my mom. I usually keep quiet & have a silent rage of fury in me every time I'm sad. I broke down hard. I cried hard. The pain was too much.

I attempted to kill myself one time but with one push from Zachi, I didn't know what to do next. I was on the ground on that time, blacking out. That whole flashback came in like I've been hit by a meteor. I remember being on the verge of breaking down before, trying to be okay.

Sometimes, being okay is not okay. You say you're okay, but you're not. I'm done pretending like nothing was even damn wrong. So I thought about a million flashbacks of what it was like to live without a mom ever since she got away. I was bullied, being called a dumbass, stupid, alien, idiotic, clueless, & others if I could remember. But the worst of all if ever: someone who's always shitty that I can't be friends with anyone. Since then, I was so antisocial. Until I met Harietta, Harmony, Dan, Mina, Kathy, Gabby, Matt, & Red.

It's raining outside & it's a perfect time for me to be quiet. To have a serene view of life. I cried under the rain one time & my mom saw me. She got mad at first but she asked what was wrong. I just missed her.

I laid down some more on my bed. I remember the time I had brown curly hair. It was super nice. Maybe I should dye my hair to its original roots some time. The gloomy weather made me drown into deeper thoughts.

You know the people who are missing that were in the news? It's because people care when one of their loved ones go missing. It's because they care about them when they're gone.

Well, of course I've felt alone. 4th grade I guess. I'm not even sure when was the last time I felt out of place, wishing for someone to come to me & be their friend.

I fall. And when I fall, I fall hard. Sometimes, even harder than anyone could when I have a big problem. I think about suicidal thoughts & it's weird for me to smile while I'm having a problem. It's hard for me to be okay. I tried my best but trust me, my mom sees it & she's good.

Snapping back myself from the almost bottomless pit of thoughts by doing my poem on my Mac computer I have. The title of my poem is Lost In You so that's a poem of love. Here it goes:

Lost In You

Somewhere deep in my soul
I would know that love would never last
Until I met you
I was lost in thee
Your make me go crazy
But that's alright
I was having nightmares
But you casted them away
I know this is weird to tell you
But I'm in love with you

I know I'm out of my mind
But everytime I see you
My mind goes crazy
I don't know what to feel
Because it has a million things
About you & me
I have feelings for you
And I go mixed up on this
Baby, I'm lost in you
Just so you know

Okay, I don't know why I was blushing for the whole time. Maybe this poem is for Red. Maybe I'm thinking about him right now. Am I? I can't tell anymore. So I saved my poem for me to print it tomorrow. Well at least I'm done with it. I shut off my Mac down & laid down on my bed, grabbing my phone & plugged into my pink speakers & shuffled a song. Bulletproof Love by Pierce The Veil played.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Dinner was okay if you ask. It was only salad so that's alright for the one who doesn't feel like eating meat for tonight. It was an fjord salad. I ate 2 plates of it. After dinner, I washed the dishes. Then I put on a black sweater & a grey pair of sweatpants. It was chilly tonight so it rained so hard that night that I barely kept up with the cold. My hands were as numb as they could be as I lay down on my bed with another set of thoughts.

I remembered I had a bible study class before & I remembered my teacher, Sir Darwin, said about Mark 5:26 about a lady that had been bleeding for 12 years & the story went on on how she got to spend all her worth just for the cures a lot of doctors gave her, but instead of getting better, it went worse. After that, when Jesus came in with a huge crowd of people, she touched his cloak & thought that her troubles will go away with one touch. And when she touched it, the bleeding stopped. When Jesus went around, looking confused to see who touched his cloak, the lady was afraid because she was desperate for a solution this whole time. He forgave her & made her go in peace.

I thought of the problems that were the worst in my darkest times of my life. Aside from being bullied, seeing my parents split, & almost killed myself, I also thought of the times that I would cry while I was asleep, thinking that everything would be okay when I wake up the next day. Instead, I woke up with the next day feeling like each day was going to get worse. But instead, I met someone who changed my life at an early age of 12. His name was Sean & he was one of my closest friends. He told me about God & I felt alright. I started to think that why would I destroy myself when there are people who need me?

I checked my phone to see if they were any texts from anyone. There was one from Red, & instead, it was this.

From: Red <3

Smile always, beautiful girl :) Don't kill yourself ^_^

That's so sweet. After all the bad thoughts that rushed through my mind, this text made it go away. After that, I gave a quick reply of thanks & goodnight to him & dozed off to dreamland, hoping that I thought of something good while sleeping.