I Thought I Had Lost You

Him Again

My happy mood changed and I frowned at what I saw.

It could have been just my imagination. "Mirrors don't sparkle" I mumbled silently.

Wether it did or didn't sparkle, I left the room anyway. A little puzzled at what happened minutes ago. 

Could it be--

"Happy Birthday little sister!" Susan said and made me smile again. I hugged her, pleased that she didn't waste a second to wish me.

"Thank you Su." I replied with a grin all over my face.

"You have no idea what I have planned for you tonight. We're gonna go to the fanciest party!" She told me with a grin spreading all over her face. 

I don't think anyone's going to pay attention to me, if I have you next to me... I thought, deeper in thoughts, a memory that I had buried within me rising for me to remember it again. A memory I really did not want to remember though...

Especially this very moment with a happy Susan next to me.

If he had paid so much attention to you then why would I care for someone else to look at me? I thought and I regretted it instantly. He was long gone and I was surprised that I thought of him again, after such a long time. 

I kept my grin on, not letting my thoughts ruin anything. "I look forward to it, Su." She let go of me and went in her room again. I had the feeling she was going to choose what to wear. If she hadn't already.

Suddenly, I didn't feel that excited anymore. So I went back to my room. And wondered for the first time in two years... what Caspian would be doing right now.

I half smiled at the thought of him and then stopped firmly. 

He could be fighting wars in Narnia. Or even sleeping in his bedroom. Or having a meal. Or--

I trembled when I thought of what else he could be doing. Or he could be marrying a woman he thought was lovely. Or he could be kissing her. At the second thought I turned my head, frustrated. Angry. How could I be angry? But I was. Thinking of another woman touching him the way I always wanted. 

But then I thought of something else. What if he's dead? I wondered and my anger vanished and I found myself blinking away tears of sorrow. "Why should he be dead and I alive?" I whispered to myself and sat on my bed with deep sadness.

I should not be crying on my birthday.

Oh Caspian... I thought to myself and sighed. I laughed at my teasing statement, wondering what his reaction would be to the comment of making me cry on my birthday.

He would probably say something like "I'm so sorry, Lucy." and "I did not mean to upset you in any manner." I laughed again but harder and fell with my back on the bed as I thought of his possible answers. 

Which made me happy again. You could make me cry and the next moment you could make me laugh. You're the most amazing man I've ever met, Caspian.