I Thought I Had Lost You

Be Fake, Be Happy

Caspian had kissed the Gentle Queen twice.

The first time, it was a kiss that made his heart flutter. At the time he was sure his heart belonged to Susan. He was in love with her. He thought not that he could ever adore a woman that much again. Even with Ramandu's daughter, the Blue Star. He knew inside, that he could come to love the Star. But not as much.

This second time, it was different. Sure, he felt happy to see her again. However, to speak the truth... he was walking towards her to hug her. He had no intentions of kissing her until she pressed her lips against his. He felt surprised and didn't kiss back immediately. And when he did, there was something missing. He had felt love, the first time. This time, it didn't seem like he had felt anything. The lack of intense emotions made him put the kiss to an end and hug Susan. He was supposed to feel lots of things. Love, hunger, happiness.

He only felt confused for the lack of emotions. "Caspian, you have a beard!" And then he had noticed how silently Lucy had vanished.

"Right." He answered. He looked Susan in the eyes and said "How did you come here?"

"Useless information. Even if I told you what difference would it make?" She asked a bit bored and irritated.

She had been rude. "I.. I suppose it wouldn't. Anyway, we have to return to the castle."

"We do?"

"Yes."

"Fine." And he didn't even look back to see her expression. He didn't care if Susan wanted to stay here at the clearing or go to back to the castle with him. His only thought was this one:

I hope Lucy isn't getting lost in the woods.

~~~

The worst thing in this situation is that I'll have to eat with them. How am I even going to survive dinner? Though, I know I will. I am so used to keeping things to myself. It's just going to be one of them.

I didn't know how long it had been since my darling sister arrived, or how long I had been laying on my bed looking at the ceiling, until my stylists/dressmakers knocked my door.

"Lucy, are you all right?" Fiona asked. And part of me changed mood as I heard my name and not a title.

"We thought you would so very happy to see your sister here!" Miley said.

"Please, I don't want to talk about it." I replied to both, putting an end to that conversation.

For the epic dinner I would be wearing a green dress with sleeves to the elbows. It wasn't anything majestic -the way I wanted. My hair would be up in a bun with the front hairs free.

As I walked down the stairs, I kept concertrating on one thing. One thing that would save my night.

Be fake, be fake, be happy. Echoed in my mind on repeat.

I truned around and braced myself. Caspian was sitting in the head of the dinning table. Susan wasn't here yet. I wish she was here. Why isn't she here yet? Ugh!

A little nervous, I sat on Caspian's left. "Hello, Lu." Be fake, be fake, be happy.

I forced a smile. "Hello Caspian. Is Susan being late?"

He chuckled. And for the first time, I hated his chuckle so much and I inhaled deeply to keep my furious face from showing up. "She'll be here soon enough." He mumbled.

At that very moment, A clash of red and purple entered the room. Susan appeared, wearing a gown with diamonds.

Wow. I thought and tried not to laugh from pure ridiculousness. "Good evening Caspian. What were you two talking about?" She asked as she sat down to the seat on Caspian's right. She didn't say something to me? Oh, so now I am invisible. I thought about answering her. About you being late wearing that gown-thing. But I of course didn't.

Be fake, be fake, be happy.

"Nothing, really." I eventually replied.

~~

My saying actually helped me a lot throughout the dinner time.

I had mostly ignored them as much as I could, paying so much attention to my fork, knife, plate and napkins. When I finished eating and saw that they had too, (they talked a lot) I got up from my seat and said "Goodnight, Caspian and Su." I had used 'Su' just to make sure that if my voice wasn't sweet enough, the 'Su' would save me. And honestly, I think my sweet voice worked. I left with a smile that must have looked so damn true I don't even know how I did it.

I was walking until the dinning room was out of sight. Then I started running to my room.

I closed the door and rushed to the bed. I inhaled, exhaled. Inhaled, exhaled. Then I thought of Caspian saying that I had to get my hand bandaged. I sighed. I decided to do it tomorrow. There's no chance I'm leaving this room until breakfast.

I changed to my nightgown and braided my hair. I looked at the window, the sky was dark and full of clouds. I fell to the bed. I closed my eyes, letting one little tear fall out of my eye. I wiped it away and, feeling more alone than ever, I clunched my pillow tight.

~~~

Susan wasn't the same. She stil had that long, black, silky hair. She still had that pale white skin. She still had those red lips. She still had those blue eyes.

The difference was in her spirit. Her character and personality. Half of the time she just looked bored. And the other she was acting rather too sweetly like she was all over Caspian.

Now they were outside his bedroom, in the hall. Susan had insisted on accompanying him. "Susan, I know not how you came here, but I suppose you are tired."

"Not all." She said grinning. Then her face darkned. "Caspian, you are delighted to see me right?"

"Of course, Susan." At that her mouth formed a teasing grin. She went closer to him and he was once again forced to kiss her. Forced. He should be wanting to kiss her over and over again. He didn't.

The King was delighted to see Susan but mainly because she was a Pevensie, a Queen of Old. He thought that his feelings had faded just a little over the years. But seems that, they had faded more than little. They hadn't vanished completely. An attraction was there, definately. But it wasn't enough to him.

He pushed away slowly and said "Goodnight, Susan."

He had to think of a way to work this out.

~~~

In England, Susan had a fame. She was Susan Pevensie and every man would want to take a glimpse of her at the very least. She was wanted. And she liked that.

Here in Narnia, Susan was a Queen. Queen Susan the Gentle and people would kneel before her and she would have to manage the future of her land. Responsibilities. Men would adore her, but wouldn't dare look at their Queen this way in front of her. And she didn't like that.

That's why she didn't want to be here anymore. She was obviously fine with her life in England. More than fine. She was pleased, happy, satisfied. The only thing she had missed from Narnia was a King. And now that King had been slightly distant.

Susan went, frustrated, to her chambers. Oh, why had Aslan upsetted her life?

Narnia didn't offer a life she was intersted in anymore. She considered how Jeremy, Nicholas and Fred would be on the floors, carpets for her to walk on. She wanted to be back to England.

But maybe Caspian wasn't being distant and this was just a fantasy of hers.