The Boy Movie Brahms Heelshire x reader FanFic

Part 12 - Inside Brahms

The moment she came to the house, I wanted her.   The others who came before didn't burn with the same flame.  None of them shone.   Weak, insipid creatures who muttered to themselves when they thought they were alone; derogatory and rude, selfish and ignorant.

But, Y/N, is different.    She always was.

She made me want to hide from her forever.   Never to be seen.  Always to be wanted.   I made myself into the Doll, just as the Doll was made into me,  and she loved me for the same reasons.  Cared with all her heart.   It was easy to fool her.  Just like the others.   At first.

My parents?   Gone now.    I miss them but I don't.   I can't even explain that to myself.    Now, my world revolves around Y/N.    I love her but don't know how to tell her.   I don't know what love means.  Not the love between a man and woman.  That kind of love.   I've seen it on TV but I'm not stupid enough to believe it's real.    I don't know the real.  I've never had it.   

Y/N is angry with me for making a doll of her.    It disgusts her.   But it was my real.   All I had of her.  All I still have of her.   I could force her.   I know what rape is.   But it's not what I want.  I want her to want me too.  That's what's real.   

She's so good to me.   Most of the time.   When she slapped me I didn't know what to do.   I wanted to hit her back, but after Emily I know I can't.   I know it's wrong.   It doesn't feel wrong, but I know it is.   I'm starting to understand.   If I break Y/N, she'll never mend.   I'll destroy her and she'll be ruined and not who she should be.  Who I want her to be.  I want her to be her.  Just the way she is.  Now.

Y/N wants to see me, the real me.   The ugly Brahms with the broken face.   If she saw me, she'd run.  Run and never stop.   They all did that.  All the unworthy others.    If I'd have caught them...if my father hadn't let them go...I'd have killed them for their hate of me.   Another reason I had to stay behind the walls.   Will she ever know how much I care how she sees me?    How the mask makes me beautiful yet repulsive at the same time?   How much I fear she'll scream when she sees what I really am?

Sometimes, I try to go back and peel away the years.   Try to find the undamaged me.   Try to see exactly where the cracks began so I might heal them.    I know I'm a freak of nature nurtured by an unspeakable love.   But was I born this way?

I get angry when things don't go to plan.   I get furious when frustration blocks me.  Murderous when threatened.   I need stability and routine.  It's my anchor in this sea of madness that is me.

Sometimes, I wish I'd never been born...