The Diary Of A Chubby Girl

Chapter 10 - It's Complicated (Alex)

January 1st,

Hey,

Sorry to be a downer on the first day of the new year, but Tamara is in the shower and this is just the perfect opportunity to write in here. I seriously need to get my own one of these, or not. It depends on how I feel after writing this.

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When Levi Complicated Everything

"Hey babe, my friend is throwing a party at his house tonight. I know it's our date night but with your permission, my lady, could I please go?" 

Levi was so sweet sometimes. He knew exactly how to get my attention and how to manipulate me into letting him do whatever he wanted. It sounds like a toxic relationship because it was. He was manipulative, but he was always so nice to me and I had no reason to leave him. I enjoyed his company but I always felt used after. It wasn't a nice feeling, but I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't leave him because I was financially dependent.

"Yes, you can go." I just said yes, like I always did.

"Thanks so much babe. Love you so much." He replied with a quick kiss on my cheek and then ran out the door.

***

He came home later that night, or should I say morning and wreaked of alcohol, but more strongly Chanel. And yes, I was once rich enough to own ridiculously expensive perfume. But I dropped by heiress status the minute I walked out of my life as Alexandra Barclay and became simply Alex. 

"Babe," I whispered in a tone of annoyance as he flopped onto the bed.

"Whaaat?!?" He groaned back, half unconscious.

"Levi, it's like 3am in the morning and you smell like you've been poached in a vat of Chanel. I have the right to be mad at you." I sounded like my mum and I hated it. 

"Alex, it's just that I wanted nothing to do with her, but she just like forced herself on me and--"

"Did you-?"

"No, it's nothing like you think, just chiiiilllllll." He replied, immediately falling asleep.

I knew he was lying, after 3 years of being together I could tell. But that's where I chose to leave it. I preferred to accept that my dating status and life status, for that matter, was forever going to be, It's complicated.

The Worst Day of My Life

I had forgiven Levi for many things. But not this, never this. After all he wasn't a bad guy, he had just learned to manipulate everyone in his life because he was messed up bad as a child. But who wasn't.

"Alex, can you please come with me to this party, trust me it will be great." He pleaded.

"Babe, you know how much I hate parties. It's just everything that I hate in one room. Large crowds, drunk people, loud noises and pretentious people smiling like they're having fun." Everything I said was true. I hated parties, even more than I hated myself.

"Alex, it will be fine, just trust me. I promise I will be with you the whole time and I will make sure that nobody comes within a 3-meter radius of you."

"Promise?" I asked.

"Promise." He said, as he enveloped me in his arms and hugged me tightly to his chest.

Yet another promise he broke. I was left alone in a strangers house, being sat on by drunk girls and guys who pretended like I wan't even sitting on the couch. I felt violated. And as I was about to leave, with no sign of Levi, I was pulled to the side by someone with a very tight grip; one that I will never forget. 

"You look lonely," he grinned as he cupped my face.

I fought back but he was far stronger than I was. 

"Hel-p," I screamed only to be drowned out by the loud music. 

I had told Levi, it was everything I hated in one room. Everything that always worked against me. And now because of him I had to pay the price. And I hated to say it, but my mother was right when she said "just wait"...

Everything beyond that point was a blur. I remember fighting back, kicking my way out of his grip and just managing to escape. Just flashes of memories now...

Running...

The guy telling me to shut my mouth...

Me slamming the door shut...

Him laughing...

Me running onto some road...

And then BAM! The moment I remember more vividly than any other, the pain of being hit, just grazed by the side of a swerving car. The driver had done their best to avoid me, but how could they, I was standing in the middle of an otherwise empty road, wearing completely black clothing and out of my senses. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that's how I ended up here, I've been in this hospital ever since that accident. I still don't know who the person was that I had probably traumatised that day, but I wish I could thank them for bringing me to a hospital, instead of leaving me to die on the side of the road. 

It may seem like a self-evident thing to do, but I've learned to keep my expectations low. So even if someone does the most basic human thing I am forever indebted. I've been in this hospital for almost one year, not because my injuries are that bad.; they healed months ago. But because Dr Carter discovered yet another problem that exists in me. I have lupus. I know it sounds dumb, like something straight out of Harry Potter, but it's an autoimmune disease. Which means that my body also hates itself.

Dr Carter said it would be ideal for me to stay here for a while considering my diminished mental and physical strength, as well as my lack of financial stability and the need to constantly monitor for life-threatening flare ups of the chronic disease.

So that was basically a summary of my life. Now I'm here, nearly 22 years old and still stuck in this hospital, writing in a diary that isn't even mine. I have lupus and it's complicated. But that's it, at least for now.

Alex is out.