January 8th
The last five days have been like nothing else I have ever experienced. An attractive guy for some reason giving you all of his attention, actually wanting to read with you and give you gifts with no real effort of your own. My 15 year old self would be screaming right about now. Forget her, my nearly 18 year old self is internally dancing. Plus 100 self-esteem points. Yay me! There is potentially some boy that has actual feelings for you.
Pause. Before you judge me for needing to validate myself and boost my self-esteem with the likeness of a guy. Trust me, once you have endured the level of embarrassment that I did on a daily basis at high school, you absorb all the praises and validation you can get. Side rant about my miserable high school experience and broken self-esteem over.
On another more concerning note, all this Levi talk has made me aware of the fact that he is rather absent today. I guess he's probably working. It never occurred to me that he may actually have a job or do other things among trying to charm the pants off girls. I mean literally. I just hope he shows up later because, as bad as this sounds, waiting for him is like waiting for the next episode of your favourite TV show to come out; the eager yet patient wait because you know in the end, the time spent will be worth it.
I started writing at 7.00am anticipating that Levi would arrive sooner or later as he does, but no sign of him and it is 7.00pm. I thought it was about time to process that I am, officially, no longer going to live with my mother. As of 3 hours ago, Dr. Carter had a chat with me about the pressing decision I had to make about my living arrangements and upon my insistence called my mother to tell her these words, exactly as I instructed:
"I [Tamara] am not going to come back home till you decide that I am no longer a mistake or a burden or whatever it was that you and dad had mutually agreed on. I'm just glad that the two of you could sort out whatever business deal you had made upon my birth and now finally that I am nearly 18 the binding contract has expired and you two are free to go your separate ways."
This was my raw emotion and whilst Dr. Carter did not say it with the same blunt conviction, she surely would have received the message. Crystal Clear. Thanks, but no thanks.
Of course he proceeded to discuss logistics and suggested that since I am turning 18 in two weeks' time I will no longer be in custody of my parents and can find accommodation independently. However, there was one small problem. I had already stayed at the hospital for much longer than intended or needed and there were people with actual problems that needed the bed that I was selfishly occupying. Then he presented the dreaded ultimatum; I could only stay at the hospital for another 14 Days and then I HAD to leave. This was their 2-week notice.
Just as I sat pondering how I was going to find accommodation for the three weeks before I went off to college, considering I couldn't even complete an order at the cafeteria without assistance from the kind lady at the register. Okay maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but really it wasn't and both I and Alex knew that fact well. She had seen me attempt to interact with people and my encounters always ended in two possible ways; one, AWKWARD or two, the opposite person walked away thinking that I am an arrogant princess who was used to living inside her four castle walls, the only points of communication through bells, shoots or some other archaic non face-to-face system.
To some extent this was true. I wasn't a princess, but I was guarded. I hadn't experienced, I hadn't truly lived. Life at home was fun, I was up to date with cultural trends as and when they changed and excelled academically but never really looked up to see that learning was not living. And no matter how many teen magazine quizzes I did about "whether your crush really likes you" I would never know what it was "like" to actually feel loved by someone other than your parents. Like the "love" love.
YOU ARE READING
The Diary Of A Chubby Girl
Teen Fiction"The day I was born, stars shot down to earth, planets fell out of alignment, the world stopped revolving and destiny ran for its life." My name is Tamara Eloise Daley but you can call me TED. I like to think that I had this impact on the world, bu...
