They say you cannot be despaired if you have God in your heart
You cannot be depressed if you trust in God
You cannot be sad if you have faith in God
And if you are solemn then you don't have God
And they tell me I lack peace for I am a sinner
That my depression is a punishment
That my sadness has no cure or remedy
They say the soul that lacks peace is one that knows it's immenint torment
So I try to find peace to escape from the imminent torment
I try to plant seeds of happiness, scatter them in my mind, in form of affirmations so they would grow into unshakeable tree of positivity and peacefulness.
I am happy.
I am beautiful.
I am not lonely
I chant every other hour
See, my sadness runs deep and like the Bermuda triangle,
it swallows up every positive thought I utter,
Every affirmation I repeat within
Every validation from my sisters,
Every praise from my father
Every compliment from the boy that I like
Every blessing from God
God, why am I like this? I sulk
Maybe they are right and God has deserted me the moment I embraced despair
Maybe I am a sinner and this is my preparatory punishment
Maybe my soul truly is doomed
Maybe I will never find peace
Maybe I am a SINNER!
Maybe I am a sinner!
But I have been laying on my bed for three days staring at void
I have not harmed anyone
I have not hurt anyone
I have not stolen or killed or committed adultery
I have not touched drugs and I have not touched a man
And I have not flashed my flesh to strange men
And I have not uttered ill words towards my parents
I have been silent since the age 13
And I have tamed my tongue so it would never utter words that would slice hearts
So how am I a sinner?
How is this depression a result of sins I haven't committed
Unless locked in a room
and avoiding family and friends
and talking less
and pretending to be buried in a tomb
Is considered a sin.
Because if it is, then truly my soul is doomed
But I know God is not that merciless.
YOU ARE READING
The Path to Death
PuisiThese are free verse poems that I have written when I was at my lowest point, trying to figure out what I want more, to love or to die. I am battling depression and maybe I will get better, maybe not. But writing down what I'm feeling lessens my b...
