Anthology of Me and other various poems

october eleventh

oct. 11 is national coming out day

when i first came out, i told my mom that i was still me. that i hadn't changed. when i came out to my dad, i said that there wasn't anything different; i was the same.

i'm going to come out again, and i'm going to say that i have changed. and that's okay. people change, people become different, but they're still them. they're not the same person, but they're the same person.

my name is casey. i am 19 years old. i am non-binary. and despite all this, i am still me.

i don't have the realization stories that are more commonly known. the "born in the wrong body" ones. i don't believe i was born in the wrong body. i just have a funny relationship with mine. when i was young i was like any other young kid, too busy learning and making friends and experiencing life to think about emotions deeper than the surface. i just wanted to have fun and be loved. and i did have fun, and i was loved.
when i hit middle school i started to develop a distaste for my reflection, i started to hate the person i saw in the mirror. my hair wasn't right, my face was too chubby, my body was all the wrong shapes. i thought then i was just having self image issues, which weren't and still aren't uncommon for young, teenage girls. maybe it was more than that, though. again, i wasn't looking too deeply into those thoughts, so i can't say for sure.

when i entered high school, i felt like a switch had flipped. all through middle school i was quiet, and didn't have many friends. i kept my head down and did my work, but i was angry. i was mad and upset and so angry, but i didn't know why. i started to question my faith. i was alone and confused. i didn't know where to go, or who i could turn to for help.
i came to terms with my queer identity over the course of my four years in high school.
i came in a straight cis girl.
i left a queer person, with no particular romantic preference.
i suppose i realized that i was asexual after realizing that while i liked people romantically, i didn't feel inclined to have sex with them. i never saw myself there, with another person like that. it just wasn't me.

i've come to terms with my thoughts, with my faith, with my identity. i've found terms that express how i feel, that i can identify with and feel comfortable doing so. i don't use them as a way to box myself in, to limit myself to one particular label. i use it so others can understand who i am, without me having to explain every small detail about my identity, because each label has its own general ideas or traits. i use it so i have a sense of community with those around me. i use it so that instead of feeling alone, separate from everyone else and on my own with how i feel, i can instead find those in similar situations, who understand me where i am and can share with me their experiences.

i am working on become more comfortable in my skin. i'm working on becoming more comfortable with myself— with my thoughts, my words, my actions, my beliefs. i am, i suppose, 'coming to terms' with who i am. and i'm ok with being a work in progress.