Words Of The Heart

Faith

November 20th, 2017

For years now I have been wandering life's spiritual highways completely lost. I lost faith in the abilities of the church, its leaders, and in my own abilities as a human being. I used to view those perceived as sinners with such harsh judgement, which as I grew bothered me, which it never used to.

I grew up Methodist, but left the church the year I was to take my confirmation class. I used to blame my mother, even resenting her at times. We starting going to a different Methodist church due to some family problems that were taking place, to which I had no knowledge of. Had I known or rather had I not been a child unable to accept change, maybe I could have had an easier time assimilating into the new church.

For the past week now, all I can think about is my spiritual connection with God and my connection to the world. The pastor at Diane's memorial awoke something that has been dormant in my heart and soul for so long. Dormant had been my faith, I had been doubting it for so long and so much that I had become the "Doubting Thomas," even with the multitude of blessing I see each and every day.

When I was in my early 20's I tried to explore the different branches/faiths within the Christian world. Note the "tried", as I believe that venture may have been doomed from the start. My faith was shattered, so I began desperately looking for answers to the questions that my lack of faith had brought me. Desperation even means apparently studying a religion via a certain kind of book. Just to be clear reading "An Idiots Guide To Catholicism", is not the answer.

Around the same time I started attending a non-denominational church youth service. The service was lead by the youth leader within the church, and for awhile I was content with the answers I was being provided. But even whilst I was there I never felt like I belonged. Don't get me wrong, the members were always welcoming, but they always seemingly had an air about them that was unsettling. Maybe it was their overly happy faces, the babbling in tongues, or the complete lack of respect and understanding for those of other faiths. At the last meeting I went to, I was compelled to go out and convert the non-believer, the Methodist, the Catholic, the Mormon, etc. Which seemed odd for a so called "non-denominational" church. After that meeting I felt the church to be incompatible with my core beliefs and departed.

After that I tried attending the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. One of my friends invited me to go, to just try it out. My only exposure related to the LDS faith is the experiences of my mother, that half of my family is LDS, and the opinions of those that view the LDS with disgust. Within my lifetime I have always viewed them as good and loving people, never as the monsters or cultists that some people have made them out to be.

Never go to anything, be it a church or an event with a closed mind. It distorts the reality happening before your eyes and from that closed mind you form an opinion that is not truly yours. I felt uncomfortable in the men's group. Maybe it was that trying to fit in feeling, or maybe it was that bright blue shirt I was wearing in a seas of white and black. I shouldn't have tried to force myself to fit in, it detracted from the message that was attempting to be passed on. And due to the veiled opinions, that of a child, I decided I couldn't remain there either.

After my brief experiences with the few churches I tried, I felt even more lost. So I proclaimed myself to be an Atheist, but that title never fit either. I still believed that there was a higher power, that someone was still out there, someone that has never stopped believing in me, even though I had felt as I had given up on him.