if i believe you ✓

→ THIRTY-EIGHT

THEY LIE IN THE HOTEL BED FOR A WHILE, completely silent except from their breathing and Cole stroking Luke's hair gently.

It's really, really obvious that Ashton is sat outside (he breathes really loudly), and so they don't even dare to move for fear of him taking it out of context.

"Do you remember our first time?" Luke asks softly, sitting up and looking at Cole with an intensity he doesn't recognise.

"You mean... first kiss, right?" Cole half-smiles, before nodding: it can't be anything else. "Yes, of course I do."

---

Luke stares at Cole from the other side of the bed, his heart pounding so loudly he's surprised the other boy can't hear it and isn't reacting.

"Are you OK?" Cole questions for what feels like the twentieth time, also sat cross-legged opposite the blond haired boy.

In this time frame, they're both nineteen - barely adults with absolutely no idea what they're doing. That much is still true for their current situation.

"Yeah, fine." Luke replies as nonchalantly as he can. "What song's this?"

Cole turns to look at the vinyl player on the side cabinet, as if focusing on it enough will make him remember. "It's... If I Believe You, I think. This album's like twenty songs long and all the songs have really convoluted titles, how do you expect me to know the tracklist off by heart?"

Luke laughs, and takes the opportunity to move forwards a little. Their legs are touching, and every single contact point feels like it's on fire for him. Honestly, all he wants to do is lean straight in and go for it, but there's the one small part of his brain saying he shouldn't.

"Luke, seriously?" Cole waves a hand in front of his face and at that point, he just goes for it.

Thankfully, he doesn't freak out or back away or shout: all that happens is he moves into it and the moment seems to last forever. Luke's mind is reeling and he almost can't breathe with everything going around his head at that point in time.

"I'm sorry." He whispers straightaway, and Cole laughs.

"Don't be."

In a way, everything in Luke's life past that point can be traced back to that one experimental kiss with his best friend. The lying, the crying late at night, the absolute creeping terror from looking through news outlets and seeing the band's name appear in articles. Even insignificant things like Cole's tiny comments and Ashton's jokes, all of it just built up until he couldn't handle it anymore.

In a way, he deserved it. It was all Luke's fault.

---

"Reminiscing?" Cole asks, and Luke laughs, a genuine laugh that he hasn't done for months now. Because who cares if it was his fault? He's fixed it, he's healing now, he's doing OK.

It'll all turn out OK.