if i believe you ✓

→ FORTY-FOUR

THE CROWD SEEMS SO MUCH LARGER than Luke is used to.

Michael, stood next to him at the microphone, notices the shivers before Luke does himself, and silently moves closer to wrap his arms around the shoulders of the other boy. The audience goes wild as soon as they notice - there's no doubt that this moment will be plastered all over Twitter for the next week.

The comfort is only temporary, and the shaking returns more violently afterwards. Luke's only idea is to play something sad instead, and pretend like the breakdown is a result of that.

As Calum plays his solo, Luke turns around and mouths something that the crowd can't see to his other three band members. They nod as they realise, and Luke turns back to face forwards and act like he's fine.

It's OK. It's all OK.

He isn't sure what precise moment tore him open again, but he can guess - Talk Fast. Luke wrote that song for Cole, and it has always and will always remind him of that goddamn boy.

As the current song (Luke is so caught up in his head that he can't tell what chords his fingers are playing or what his detached voice is singing) fades out, they transition in Why Won't You Love Me, and Luke starts to visibly cry.

Everyone is staring at him, and that only makes it worse as he sobs and his voice shakes through the lyrics. Luke's mind is grappling with the emotional intensity of being completely fucked right now combined with being transported back to 2017, back to all the times Luke wishes he could just forget.

If he could focus right now, he'd tell himself to inhale, exhale, log onto his secret Pinterest and find the Anxiety Relief board, and stay there until he's calm, but here, live, in front of thousands of people, he can't.

And that just sums it all up. He can't, he can't, he can't. He can't do anything, he can't keep a relationship, he can't exist without screwing something up.

Again, the song comes to an end, and the only sound is Luke's ragged breathing. Nobody is clapping, nobody is cheering. It feels as though every single person in the arena is holding their breath. A few other people are crying as well, but whether that's because Luke is or because of the song, they don't know.

"I-I-I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me." He gasps, and everyone's face morphs into a display of sharing his sadness, and Ashton practically jumps over his drum kit to lead Luke off stage, just like he did the other night in that bar. Ashton is becoming somewhat of a guardian angel to the younger boy.

In the background, Michael is telling everyone that they'll be back soon, but Luke doesn't know whether that'll hold true.

Right now, he doesn't know anything except the certain fact that he doesn't want any of this anymore.