•Why• Shawn Mendes •

1. The Way It is

(AN: the character POV is always going to be from Karlee's POV until I change it so it will be in bold and underlined)

Warning: disturbing scenes and foul language(AN: Some of this book will be like this, maybe not slot but there will be,  so if you don't like this then I advise you to stop now)

Again and again, I always woke up in some sort of pain, it was never always the same but I was always in some sort of pain.
This time it was in my head and my stomach, he always gets worse when he's drunk or high, even when he's angry he's not this bad.

It wasn't like this at the start, if it was I'd get away whilst I could've, he was the perfect boyfriend, your probably wondering what happened am I right? Let me start from the beginning.

It started in highschool, we were always flirting, in school and out, we were best friends; he asked me to be his girlfriend on the night of prom, I was so so happy. He was the perfect boyfriend; cute, cuddly and ever so caring. There was always the slight over-protectiveness but I loved that about him.

Not even a year after we finished high school, I was 17 and him 18, he asked me to move in with him. He owned a small flat and it was great; just for us.

To this very day I'm still not too sure what happened but something in him changed.

He no longer came home from work with a smile and wanting to cuddle whilst watching a movie. He no longer wanted to go on cute little dates.

I don't even know why.

All I know is something changed. Something made my boyfriend like this. Something changed the guy that I fell in love with and the guy I still do but I'm not so sure why. Something changed the way he looked at me, the way his eyes turned dark when he looked at me, the way he no longer cared about other guys looking at me or the way he couldn't even smile towards me unless he was with his friends.

No longer was Shawn the sweet boy I fell in love with, he was now the controlling, abusive man that I couldn't escape. The man that I still love. The man who seems to hate my guts.

The bright white sunlight shone through the gaps in the curtains, waking me up slowly. I felt his arm over my waist holding me close to him. He was always like this in the mornings, I guess it was his apology, but not at the same time?

He started to stir, and before Shawn could fully wake up I ran out of the room, it was the same every morning, he knew that he scared me, yet he wouldn't change it.

I ran straight into the bathroom, he wouldn't come in here, would he? Feeling sick to my stomach I put my ear against the door, attempting to calm my breathing so I could hear for any signs of movement. All I could hear was him tossing and turning in the sheets, probably trying to fall asleep again.

Ten minutes went by and I couldn't hear anything, then again I was half asleep, before I could get up to unlock the door I heard Shawn knocking.
"Karlee? Open the door"
I couldn't say anything, I couldn't move, I felt the tears forming in my eyes scared of what he would do when I opened it.

Knock knock

"Karlee! Open the fucking door before I kick it down!"

Slowly, I moved my hand to unlock the door not sure why I was doing this but I was. As soon as I unlocked it, he immediately pushed the door open, I backed away and looked at my feet, playing with my hands.

"What the hell was that?! Why didn't you open the fucking door when I asked first! Are you fucking stupid?!" Shawn screamed, his face bright red and veins popping out. He looked so ho- wait what am I thinking?

"I-I'm sorry, I d-don't know," I whispered, scared if I spoke any louder I'd cry.

He took a step closer to me and raised his hand, I moved back and put my hands up to protect my face. When I realised that he wasn't going to hit me, I looked him and saw him looking away from me, just like I was a disappointment. I guess it was true, I mean why else would he hit, scream and laugh at me.

Shawn turned around, I was expecting for him to walk out, it's what it looked like anyway, but before he actually walked out he launched himself towards me. As if he was a predator hunting for its prey. It's not like I could get away either, I was in-between a counter and the bath, so I just had to let him hit me.

At first it was a fist full of my hair, dragging me to the ground and slamming my head on the floor. Not expecting him to stop, he continued to punch me in the face and kick me in the stomach. I could already feel bruises forming over my body, and he was sober right now, which I was glad he was - it would be so much worse if he wasn't.

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Half an hour later, he got off me, I was laying on the cool tiles, which slightly helped with the pain, with blood and tears fall on me. I couldn't move, I was just laying there not knowing what to do. I didn't know why I was still here, I mean I couldn't go to the police, he meant to much to me. I guess he wouldn't notice if I wasn't around anymore though?

Still thinking about ending everything I slowly got up, wincing in pain every single time I moved. Immediately, when I got up I looked in the mirror, I couldn't even recognize myself anymore and no amount of makeup would cover the pain in my eyes.

Just as I was about to leave the room, I saw something.

I grabbed it, it's not like he'd care right? I mean if he did he wouldn't lay a finger on me, but that's not the case.

I took the plastic casing off, trying to be as quite as I could, honestly j didn't care if I cut myself. I was only wearing leggings and a T-shirt, so I slipped my leggings off and sat on the edge of the bath, thinking if this was what I wanted to do. Thinking if I wanted to physically hurt myself, just to feel some sort of relief from the outside world.

Yes. I did want this. I couldn't live with him hurting me and me not feeling anything but pain, I wanted a sense of relief and I knew this would help for a little bit.

Grabbing the silver blade, I held it against the skin on my thighs, contemplating if I really wanted this. I swiftly drew it across my skin, one after another, I was useless to him. I wasn't needed. He didn't care anymore. By the time I was done there was about 10 cuts, some deep others not. Not caring whether there was blood still on me I put my leggings back on and hid the blade, it might be a good idea to leave it till later on.

I walked back into the bedroom and saw that Shawn wasn't there, I immediately ran and got back under the covers, scared that if he came back in I'd get hurt even more.

Before I could attempt to get some sleep, the door opened and there he was, holding a tray. I was so confused. He walked towards me, still holding the tray. I covered myself up with the duvet I couldn't look at him.

"Baby.." he started, "Please..look at me"

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Hey guys, so if you ever need someone to talk to I'm always here, whatever you do don't hurt yourself and if your in any of these situations try and talk to someone.