•Why• Shawn Mendes •

2. The Apology

Previously
"Baby.." he started,"Please..look at me"

I couldn't look at him, I just pulled the covers to me tighter and out my head in the pillow, trying not to hurt my head obviously.

"Karlee? Baby please, let me make it up to you" he begged, "I promise I won't hurt you again"

That's when my sobbing started, I don't know if it was the fact that it sounded too good to be true, or that there was some truth in his words and how he said them. I didn't want to fall for his tricks. I couldn't.

Footsteps. That's what I heard, they were muffled due to me having a blanket over my head, but I could clearly make out that they were coming towards me. On the way, I heard something get put down, I guess it was the tray on the desk.

Again, the footsteps kept coming closer, to the point where I was shaking, he could tell. I knew from him sighing deeply.

The bed sunk right next to me, making me slide down against him, it hurt more than it would have seeing as I didn't sort my legs out.

He could tell I was in pain, he could also tell that it was in my thighs, before I could move backwards he pulled the duvet of me, his eyes red and watery, I could see he was hurt just by looking at me.

"Baby.. please talk to me, I don't know what happened, I got angry and trust me I know that that's no excuse for the past months but I'm sorry."

Seeing as I was crying already, more and more tears fell down, was he finally opening up to me? Did he actually care? Maybe he did, but it felt like he was just trying to get me wrapped up around my fingers, just to break me into more and more tiny pieces.

Taking my wrists to stop me from turning over, he noticed me flinch, I tried to make it minimal but I couldn't. He could tell something was wrong, I tried to pull my arms back but his grip was stronger, he wasn't letting me go any time soon.

"Karlee.." he whispered, "what's wrong with your wrists?"

I shook my head. He couldn't know, what if he started to hurt me more because I was fragile?

He gently let go of one of my wrists, and with the hand which he had let go, he took my sleeve. It was obvious of what he was going to do, he was going to lift it. This could turn out in two possible outcomes, he realises how much he hurts me or he carrys on hurting me, causing me pain for his enjoyment.

Slowly, and carefully, he lifted up my sleeves, it was as if him hitting me never happened and that he truly loved me. But I knew that that wasn't the case. I knew that that wasn't how he felt, he was just going to do another caring act. As soon as my sleeve was at my elbow, I heard him sniffle, I still couldn't look at him.

"Baby.. I-I don't understand" by now he had tears running down his cheeks and onto my lap, "I know that I hurt you, I really do and I know it's so, so stupid to be able to even attempt to make it up but I just have to try. You have to tell me one thing though."

He let go of my wrist, and placed both hands on either side of my face, wiping the tears away as they fell, and there were many. Before I could look away, he pulled me into him, not in a forceful way or a way to scare me, in a gentle, loving way. I felt safe for once.

For once I felt safe, and loved in his arms, and that I wasn't some fragile object walking on eggshells around him. Shawn was actually being the man I fell in love with and I was feeling happy.

As he pulled me into his lap to hug him, he gently pulled away and placed his hand on one of my thighs, I should have moved his hand before he placed it down. I knew he'd be able to feel the cuts, especially since they were from about an hour ago.

" I thought you only cut your wrist? Please tell me you didn't do the same with your thighs? Please Karlee," he whispered, his voice cracking.

I couldn't say anything, instead of having my tears fall down one at a time, they fell so much faster.

The both of us realised just then, that I brought Shawn to tears from my pain, and he brought me to tears from his anger and confusion. We were both emotional messes, and us holding each other was the glue holding us together. But why, when pain was the thing breaking us apart?

Shawn picked me up and placed me on the bed, he walked out of the room to the bathroom. I couldn't help but frown, why did he walk out? He was in there for about fifteen minutes before he walked back out, by now I was lying down scrolling down my Instagram feed and liking the occasional picture that caught my eye. I could tell that something was bothering him, or he wanted to say or do something.

Just as I turned around, he walked to me, grabbing my hands he lifted me off the bed and picked me up bridal style, I was confused. What was going on with him?

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Before I could even say anything, we were in the bathroom, the bath full of warm water and a bath bomb on the side. It was my favourite one; it smelled like rose and had little rose petals in it.

Shawn sat me down on the toilet, not doing anything, or looking at me, it was as if he was debating on what to do next.

He made up his mind. He slowly moved his hands towards my waist, I was so confused, but then his hands stopped at the end of his hoodie, which I was wearing, and he slowly started to lift it up. I was only wearing leggings and his hoodie, as well as my underwear, so it wouldn't take long for him to help me.

I needed his help. I felt too weak to move without any help, like I was scared I was going to break at any slight movement.

As soon as I was only in my underwear, he stepped back, why? I'm not too sure. Sniffling, was all I heard and it definitely wasn't from me, looking up I felt a pang (AN : why do I love this word) of pain, I made him hurt but at the same he hurt me.

He walked out. Breaking my heart even more, if it was even possible. I was waiting for Shawn to come back in but after a couple of minutes I knew that he wasn't. I'd have to finish getting undressed myself.

I managed to do so without hurting myself massively, and I placed the bath bomb in the warm water, gently swirling it around as I got in and sat down. I hissed in pain, maybe this wasn't a good idea; using a bath bomb, it definitely hurt like hell.

Eventually I got used to the waters temperature, and the pain disappeared, through the wall I could hear movement but I didn't pay much attention to it, I just wanted to relax.

~An hour later~
I grabbing the pink fluffy towel, and dressing gown, drying myself and putting it on, I wasn't worried about getting dressed I'd just end up sleeping.

After I made sure my clothes were in the wash, my hair was in a towel and I was dry, I grabbed the medical kit cleaning my cuts, it definitely hurt but I didn't want to get infected.

I walked out of the bathroom to my room, well ours, still not thinking about where Shawn is or why he left, I saw him. He was sat on the edge of the bed, legs spread and his elbows holding his head up while resting on his knees. He must have heard me open the door because as soon as I was in our room he looked at me.

My heart broke. He had been crying, crying because he cause me pain? I'm not sure, but I knew he was crying. His eyes were red, worse than when he got high, and he had tears stained onto his cheeks.

He walked up to me, and held my hands as he opened his mouth..