Daily Thoughts

Lost.

I came through those doors, not knowing what to expect. I guess I kept an open mind.
As I looked around, I was surrounded. Terrified, I viewed several groups of girls with bubbly, optimistic exteriors. I couldn't help wondering their true thoughts and intentions. Whether one conflicted girl secretly felt hatred towards another, or whether any of those girls had secrets at all.
I was unaware of what they conversed about, yet my initial thoughts were it was about something pathetic.
I loved to guess, even though I felt insecurities myself. I felt trapped within myself and I felt like I couldn't express my true personality.
The amount of burdens that I've had to overcome in my life were forever buried in my seemingly light mind.
I could never bring myself to overcome these and simply walk up to the girls. I was nothing to them. I was nothing to anyone to be truthful.
Whenever I even considered socialising, panic took over. The 'what ifs' dominated my innocent ideas.
I may be talkative to people I already know, but if they're in groups of people, I freeze up.
It's like I lose myself, and my social skills dissolve before my eyes.
I pictured the girls as a swarm of bees, filled with rage. One word said could trigger the queen bee to attack and convince her minions that I was the enemy.
Are these insecurities, or is this all too true? I was never going to know until I made an effort.
After ten minutes of my mind wondering back and forth and my conscience punishing me for my angst, I decided to give talking a try.
I was never a talker, always considered shy.
Trust is a key reason why I find it hard to open up to others. As I mentioned before in "The Wrong Time", it takes me a lot of time to get comfortable around people.
My biggest fear is for trust to be broken, yet I know I over-analyse things at times.
I saw an empty seat in the tight huddle of girls, and pictured myself casually sitting there as if I had claimed it beforehand.
After a few moments, I sat down. I heard the occasional 'hi' before the girls continued conversing.
I tried to speak, I tried to make my voice heard. But my voice came out in a whisper. Or so it seemed.
One quiet voice could never outweigh nine loud voices. I was spoken over, I was ignored, I wasn't heard.
Talking was never my strong point.
I wasn't myself. I was
Lost.