Daily Thoughts

Numb.

Emotions. What are they really to one that is struggling to get by daily?

Do they help or hinder finding the person you truly aspire to be?

For me personally, emotions have been a huge part of finding myself, and they have caused a lot of unnecessary drama in my life which could've been avoided.

Whilst finding myself in continuous mood swings, I panicked and over-analysed every situation that came my way. I was so caught up in attempting to improve these situations that I forgot to calm myself down.

So I've been pondering through this one thought in my mind: can you really escape from your own thoughts?

Event after event, my mind brainwashed me to believe that I was in a crisis. I wasn't worth anything to anyone. I was a lone wolf, isolated from everyone around me. I couldn't let anyone in. Solely due to this eternal mass of emotion that I couldn't hide from.

I was exposed. I never considered that mood swings could lead to this extreme. Feeling on top of the world for one second when all of a sudden, your mood drops like a ton of bricks smashing onto each other, representing the past.

This cycle of moods kept happening for weeks on end and continued for over a year in estimation. I wasn't improving anything, and although I managed to keep up a jovial exterior, I knew there was something not quite right with my emotions.  I shouldn't be feeling this way, I thought to myself. I was never going to let two dual sides start battling for attention. I would have to break the ice.

So I decided to be spontaneous. No more predicting, no more scheming. I would let life take its course and then see what happens. That way, no foreshadowing would ever be able to pass my stone cold defence. And this was my emotionless exterior.

Entering life through fresh, open doors with no particular facial expressions. I didn't allow myself to crumble under the pressure which I always succumbed to. And I only smiled when I felt truly in my element. So what would I call this new emotion?

It is truly difficult to depict this new sensation, yet this isn't necessarily a negative. Maybe it's okay to feel

Numb.