Daily Thoughts

Worthless.

I am always the first. The first to approach people, the first to contact people, the first to make an effort.

 It is quite rare for someone else to start a relationship with me, even as mutuals. 

I used to have a best friend. We had been friends for a while, and still, till this very day, I would never say a bad word about her as a person.

 I don't remember how our friendship started, but I do remember the process of losing touch.

I knew her well, but even so, it surprised me how quickly she was willing to let go of me. Not wanting to check up on me, even asking how I was in general. 

She did nothing after we barely saw each other.

This makes me wonder if I was carrying both sides of our friendship constantly. Now thinking about it, I did put most of the effort into it. I am a selfless person, one could say.

We were so similar, yet so different at the same time. We had contrasting personalities. I was bubbly, she was shy. 

We had opposite interests in terms of conversation. I liked to openly speak about my problems, she wasn't comfortable to even mention what preoccupied her mind.

But we both faced the same issues. We were practically outcasts. We preferred not to blend in with the crowd, and we got teased for that. 

Therefore, we stuck together and never left each others' sides.

 Until..

Another girl began to socialise with her. And that girl held a grudge against me for no known reason. It could've been jealousy. It could've just been spite.

 My best friend knew the rocky relationship I had with this girl. And she dropped me as quick as a flash of lightning on a dismal winter's evening. I thought we were stronger than that.

Somehow, our friendship continued. I had no one else, so I decided to give her a second chance.

 Then a third, then a fourth, until I decided against counting the eternal amount of chances I had left in me.

 It wasn't healthy, yet I felt obligated to keep this friendship going. After all, she was my best friend, right?

I would say me and her are still friends now, however we don't see each other on a daily basis any more. She's probably moved on, with her new cooler friends. 

It seems like she let go of the outcast status as soon as she could. 

She was probably ashamed of it in the long run, just like she always seemed ashamed of me. She consistently told me to be quiet and this felt belittling. 

The nice girl is always the one who gets taken advantage of, right? Because it's okay to play with her feelings like they're not fragile glass. She wouldn't care. Well, that couldn't be more false.

The nice girl wants a genuine friendship. Someone who would make her a priority. Someone who would be willing to approach her first. Because she won't settle for second.

I am the first to start a conversation, and never the one to end it. Am I the problem?

This has been happening for years, and now I am at a point in my life where I feel nothing but

Worthless.