Daily Thoughts

Clear.

7/11/18.

It suddenly seems simpler. My life. 

Ever since I promised myself I wouldn't overanalyse certain situations, my mind has become eternally able. Able to think solely about the present.

The ongoing struggle I had with myself constrained me like a baby bird unable to fly, attempting to leave the nest with all its might. But repeatedly failing. Then it's back to square one.

It's interesting how the mind works. One minute you think you're limitless and actually have a chance to challenge your demons. Then the next minute you're trapped inside your soul and your thoughts deceive you.

But this time is different. A few days ago, my gut instinct notified me. And that was when I knew my mind wasn't playing games. I am rarely in touch with my gut instinct. Only when I am in the deepest of perils, I call upon it to save me from myself.

I guess I was severely in danger. I was internally drowning and I didn't even try to push myself out of the rapidly-flowing water. Deeper and deeper. I was in trouble.

It's idiosyncratic. The moment I started receiving the message to basically get my shit together, it gradually became true. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy except only within a matter of days.

I know it was my gut that informed me to stop caring so much about life, yet I believe that the icing on the cake came down to letting him go. I didn't think I could do it again after what happened at the start of the autumn. But I proved myself wrong.

Before I caught feelings all those years ago, I never thought that most parts of my life and schedule would be dependent on another person. Let alone a guy. I thought I would have great control and independency throughout my teenage years. But was I wrong... yes.

Now, not thinking about him frees up a lot of decisions in my life. The hard part. Knowing what is best for me. But it feels so much better. The empty parts of my mind now intertwine with the parts that used to be captivated in doing whatever I could to even see his enchanting countenance. But I don't think in that way any more.

I have this newly-found attitude in which I take things or leave things. Whatever happens, well, it just happens. No strings attached. And if people want to converse with me, they should just come over to me. Because I am constantly distressed about bearing both sides of a relationship.

I try not to dwell on the past. And if I find myself musing about the future, may it be mostly beneficial. However, I now look only at the present. And what's to come when my true efforts pay off. 

As of now, life is much more

Clear.