Remember how I think 2 chapters ago yo awkward potato was in the middle of a breakdown?
Yeah, the whole shitty situation in school.
I found a song that sums up everything, just the moment I saw those lyrics they just pierced through my heart, it's just too relate-able.
The line "What is growing up anyway?" https://youtu.be/O0TtDeDiHcE?t=172
That got to me, it's the exact question I asked myself when I was in that breakdown. I realized that I didn't want to spend all of my time working, studying. So I labeled myself as childish, and said to myself: "Maybe I should grow up." But then I was wondering what the fuck growing up actually is.
I'm 15, people already expect of me to know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Well, I don't, I have no clue of what I could be happy with doing with the remaining 60 years I have left after graduating from college.
I don't even know if I want to go to college. I'm sick of studying, I'm not made to study, I'm not made to sit behind a desk doing math, or translate shit. But to be honest, I don't know what I can do. And in my opinion that's not weird at all. How can you expect of a kid who has lived 15 years to know what she's meant to do. No, that's not the right word choice. What they WANT to do.
They want us to grow up and suck up the bored dome of studying, working and doing nothing.
"Growing up" is actually just forgetting about your dreams and becoming realistic, it's accepting that you have to live your life doing something which you will most likely get sick of after 3 years. It's accepting that you have to work your whole life, and only very few get to do what they actually want to do. Because, if you're not absolutely AMAZING at art, music, sports or whatever. It's impossible for you to make your job out of it. You'll get stuck doing the boring stuff "anyone" could do.
Which leaves all the average people, or even the slightly talented people doing what their minds aren't made for. They think with their head. While that's not what artists, musicians or sport people do. That's not how they think, they don't think in numbers.
So I'm sorry if I'm still a kid. Me not wanting to study all the time is not because I'm a kid, it's natural. I want to do things, even if they're useless. I want to go to anime cons, I want to cosplay, I want to read manga, I want to draw a ton of shitty drawings, I want to make music that most likely no one would like to hear. I want to travel around, I want to have fun. That's not weird, that's not childish, that's being human.
There aren't a lot of people who are actually happy calculating stuff all the time, translating all the time, selling all the time. We're human, we need change, but that's not something which is easy to get in our society. So yes, choosing what I want to become gives me anxiety. Because my mind, does not work in this system. And I don't want to throw away my dreams to be able to make money.
"Who threw those dreams down the drain?" https://youtu.be/O0TtDeDiHcE?t=165
Growing up did that. Thinking realistically.
The problem is just that you HAVE to do the mind stuff to make money.
Or you have to be crazy talented at something else.
Well, I'm a person who can think about philosophy, but I absolutely CAN'T is use my brain unwillingly. If I want to calculate something, believe me, I'll do anything about it to be able to do that, if I want to translate something, I definitely will. But as long as it doesn't have purpose for me, or doesn't interest me, I can't do it. And it's something which society is trying to get us to do. That's what causes burn outs, that's what causes a lot of depressions.
I'm getting so frustrated writing this because I just can't write down what I'm thinking. everything I write is more or less what I want to say. But not exactly...
I hope this kinda made sense. I'm soooo frustrated rn, just because I can't put it into words.
But this is kinda what I wanted to say... Idk... This written very bad, but I just wrote this the way my mind was working rn... Idk
Aah well
Yo awkward potato is out.
