H
ow terrible it is to fall in love and later fall out again.
When you meet and talk, when you graze and look. Eyes whose vision simply crosses yours, yet you feel as if they dig deep into you.
No connection exists, yet you feel it. No love from him, but you yearn for it.
And he talks nonsense, but those words sound like poetry. Butterflies, butterflies, goosebumps, chills. Then warmth.
Random nonsense you smile at. You lie on your side like a restful infant and pull your legs to your tummy as you hold your phone and read his texts.
Nonsense, nonsense. But they are beautiful nonsense.
He messes around but you love it. He laughs with an emoji, three of them. Oh, you love it.
But he is on the other end of the world. And you are here. With him. With a screen in between.
You saw his picture once. He sent it a long time ago. Just a random giveaway. But you remember every detail of that face as if you were the god that created him. That hair that you wished you could touch. Even just a strand.
You'd ride a plane or row a boat or man a ship to touch a strand. And run your fingers through that hair. Touch his face gently. Look into those eyes. And hope.
Hope that maybe he's crazy for you as much as you are for him. But he isn't.
You're just someone he talks to before ending the day.
Sometimes you start his day. But you are never his day. Nor do you make it.
Your smile fades. Slowly. Very slowly. And then your hands fall weak from his face down to your side.
You traveled all the way to see him, only to find that he never saw you the way you hoped he would. You are just another acquaintance.
Yet you fell in love.
Oh how shallow of you. How shallow of you.
But was it really love, when a moment later you return to your place and meet another one and fall in love again?
Is it love or just longing for a companion?
Either way, you clung.
And you clung hard, but felt weak and so you let go.
And now, it's gone.
The feeling is gone.
But you miss him.
Yet you won't have him back.
10.29.18
