I have grown tired of trying to please people and win their attention and affection.
Suko na ako.
I can be your lover, your friend, your mere acquaintance, or just a nobody. I don't mind.
In fact, I don't care at all anymore.
You can crash into my life, walk slowly, or linger around.
But if you leave, do it silently and don't ever say goodbye,
For no departure was ever good, save good riddance.
So come and go as you please.
Walk, run, trip.
Trample over me.
Crush me as you do.
Break me till I'm deranged and completely lost.
I will gladly welcome you with closed eyes and a locked heart.
So when you're gone, I have no face to think of.
And no feelings to get over.
No memories to forget.
No pain to battle.
No scars to mend.
You will leave as if you never came.
Walk out like you never walked in.
And never again will you return.
I won't ever, ever let you.
Because despite the abandonment, there still lingers the familiarity of you,
That a part of me will always recognize.
And I can't have you back.
So I won't.
I do my best to not have you back.
Because that tiny shred of familiarity, if I give into it, I lose.
And I will lose and keep losing.
Again and again and again.
And I'm tired.
You have thrown me away more times than you've held me with your hand.
And when you do hold me, you take me by the neck, where I am most fragile.
And for gentle treatment, I succumb.
I give my all so I don't hurt.
But you take my all and I end up hurting.
So I said, "Never again."
But because of that familiarity that I have once loved,
Despite having shut my eyes and locked my heart,
I still have that urge to respond to your call and touch.
"Maya," whispers the baritone.
Suddenly, I'm down.
My walls are down.
My fortress, as if it was never built.
I crumble in your arms again.
And I blame you; but the truth is, I let myself.
"I won't have you back," I said.
"Never, ever, ever."
Yet here I am---bleeding and bruised and broken
Pale and white and blue, while black and rainbow.
But still, pale and white and blue.
All for love. All for love. All for love.
All for you, my love.
I am smiling in pain,
Aching without disdain.
My love, what have you done?
But more importantly, what have I become?
To hurt and take more of it,
More doses each day.
My system has clung onto it to the point that it has grown to be madly in need of it.
As if hurting has become a must, and without it, there is nothing worth calling Love.
Oh what beautiful tragedy there is in masochism.
Martyrdom, some call it.
But at what noble cause does one hurt and choose to keep hurting?
Love.
Love.
Love.
I have lost it.
Myself. All of it.
I have become yours.
All yours to keep and destroy as you please.
But I let you.
I have no more walls to shield against you.
No more cage in which I should leash my heart to stay away from you.
No more strength to cover my ears from your voice.
Or will to step backwards and build a greater distance between us two.
No hope of saving myself.
I have surrendered completely.
And now, I am broken.
Broken beyond repair.
Broken beyond recovery.
Broken beyond living again.
And there you go again,
Walking out of my life after bringing in the storm.
And you leave like you never dwelled.
And I thought, with you, you took my pieces.
But I was wrong.
Because you ripped me apart and scattered me as you walked away,
Leaving a trail of every ounce of what little of my worth was left.
And I watch at a distance as you dictate to me my new value.
Worthless.
I am worthless beyond zero.
I am nothing to you.
Nobody to anybody.
And I blame you for all this.
But the truth is, I let you.
11.03.18
