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"I'm taking the extra lap," I mutter as I fall into step with Zombie. He glances at me out of the corner of his eye, then he shakes his head.
"It's fine."
"It wasn't a question."
"Fine then," he replies. "But why?"
Because I made a promise to a five-year-old that I'd watch out for you. "Because I want to."
Zombie sighs and doesn't answer. We jog in silence for a moment, minus the small whispered words of encouragement from Zombie to Nugget and Oompa. When the last lap comes around he tries to slow down but I shove him hard and finish last anyways.
Zombie is even more confused. Reznik is pissed. Nugget is grateful. Teacup looks bored.
Tank hounds me about it at breakfast. I get it, though, because I am usually the one closest to the front and somehow managed to find myself in last place today.
"Felt like it," I reply when he asks me what the fuck I was doing this morning. I make note not to look at anyone in case they see how sick I feel from even doing something that shows I care. I don't like caring and I wished stupid Nugget would stop looking like my stupid brother so I could break his stupid promise and leave that stupid pretty boy in the dust like I've done with every other stupid person who I have ever cared about.
The young boy is clinging to Zombie, as usual, and I'm mad, as usual, so I have to stop myself from saying something about how he's Zombie's dog. And then Nugget grabs the fabric around my knee. And I resist the urge to throw the fucking kid across the room.
Zombie catches my tense shoulders and peels Nugget's fingers away. He apologizes and orders Nugget to leave me be, and to eat because he hasn't touched a piece of his food since we sat down five minutes ago.
"You good?" Zombie whispers in my ear. My eyes snap open and I didn't even realize they were closed. I inch away, closer to Flintstone who sends me a confused expression. My hands tighten into fists.
What the fuck is wrong with me? One second I'm fine, I'm calm(ish) and I can talk and reveal small things to the squad, and then the next second I want to rip each of their heads off and feed them to the aliens for supper.
Two words; defense mechanism. Because I am not mad at Zombie or Nugget or anyone else, but I am mad at myself and they are the only way for me to let it out without going completely Dorothy.
"Leave me alone," I snap. The entire table goes silent. I haven't spoken to Zombie like that since the first day. It's a shock and no one likes it. I've always been unpredictable and now I'm unpredictable and, apparently, mad. It's not a good combination.
"What's your problem, Ghost--"
"You," I growl, and I imagine myself looking into a mirror as I say it. "Stop acting like you actually give a shit about me and just fuck off."
"You promised." Nugget whimpers into Zombie's side. I freeze and sends him an icy glare. My eyes involuntarily soften at the sight of him. Shit. I made a stupid promise to a stupid five-year-old and I can't break it.
I huff. Turn to Zombie.
"Sorry or whatever," I mumble, turning back to my food. Everyone is silent, still, until Teacup scoops some of the nasty meat from Oompa's plate and places it into her mouth.
"Tastes fucking delicious."
And everyone chastises her for her use of language. It takes the attention off of me and I nod at her in acknowledgement for it. She nods back, smiling at my approval of her actions.
She's just a kid looking for someone to give a shit about her again. Just like the rest of us. Just like the rest of humanity trying to scrape by. And fuck, Sofia's emotions ripple through me like I was just stabbed again and I have to resist the urge to throw a punch to the nearest person because it's not fair.
We shouldn't have to beg for someone to love us, or seek approval in our fellow soldiers because we're the only ones left. I guess that's why I take my promises so seriously. Because I know that once I make them, I can't ever take it back. And I know how much it hurts when someone breaks a promise to you. And I know how much it hurts when you break a promise and someone dies because of it.
