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"I. . . I miss my mom."
I clench my jaw and twist my wrist, working to get a perfect shine on my shoe before tomorrow, when Reznik will surely make me do more push-ups.
"Yeah. Yeah, I miss mine, too."
The squeaking of the mattress next to mine catches my attention. My eyes flick up to meet those of Zombie's, and I send him a cautious glare. Not the fucking time.
"How she doin'?" Zombie mumbles, tilting his head in the direction of the little blonde sitting with Oompa. That's when I remember how sick she looked this morning, and how Zombie comforted her. He knows about her nightmare, too, then.
"She's a tough kid, Zombie," I state. "She'll be fine."
Zombie nods, eyes flickering down to my hands. He catches the redness of my wrists and the pale of my knuckles as I practically pop them out of place with the amount of pressure on the polish. He sighs. Brings his hand up to ruffle his messy hair. "And you? What's your problem?"
I clench my jaw and pretend it's my inability to be touched. "You know what it is."
"That's not it," Zombie states. He sighs and turns his head to glance at Nugget, then back at me. "One minute you're perfectly fine and then you're yelling at me like I just killed your fucking dog or something."
I stare at him for a long moment. I have to keep telling myself that I can't trust anyone, that they always betray me or leave, but the truth is I'm so goddamn afraid to trust, to become attached, to touch anyone because I know I can't handle another death. So I opt for stopping with my feelings all together.
If I don't care, I don't feel when they are gone.
"I saw you," Zombie is whispering now, leaning towards me from where he sits in the bunk. "When you were about to pass out. You were scared, and you grabbed onto me. You need someone, Ghost. You're just scared too admit it."
Sofia slipped out that day, something Ghost still regrets. But Zombie is right and I know he is. I'm scared shitless. I can't become attached, not to anyone, but maybe I need to. Maybe I need to change my rules around to survive in here.
Surviving outside where people cannot be trusted, the rules were different. In here, you have to work like a team. You have to trust and touch and be there for one another when needed because that is what is going to help you survive.
Everything is different in here. Safe. And I am finally letting myself become accustomed to it.
"Maybe you're right," I find myself whispering. I keep my face hard, but my eyes are soft and I can feel Sofia shining in them. "But I have no one anymore. There's no one left."
"Look around you, Ghost," Zombie whispers. "Your family might be dead, but we're still breathing. This squad-- the one that surrounds you right now-- they're your new family. You just need to trust us. Or, hell, at least trust me."
My thoughts go back to Nugget and the promise I made to him earlier. I would keep Zombie as safe as possible, and I would watch over him because I made a promise to a five-year-old I had to keep because I've never broken one before. Is it possible that Zombie made himself a promise to keep everyone safe? Including me?
I know that it is. From the first time we met, he was making sure I was okay and Flintstone wasn't bothering me. He carried me to the Convalescent Wing after I passed out, and he comforted me seconds before I did. He helped me better my hand to hand combat, and he took the last lap every single day to prevent anyone else from doing it. I know who Zombie is, and I know what my answer is.
"Okay, Zombie," I say after a moment. "I trust you." I can feel my walls building up at the words, a bad habit that has the next words slipping from my mouth before I can stop them. "Don't make me fucking regret it."
I want to apologize but I stand up from my bed and move sit on Poundcake's bed, looking down at Flintstone's cards. They all seem surprised that I didn't start anything with them, but pleased that I was finally attempting to stay within five feet of them withouting decking them.
Teacup is grinning at me and I know it is because she can finally have that other girl in the squad, and not just the rude other girl who would rather punch her than talk to her.
I send Dumbo a quick nod, mouth spade to him and hold up five fingers before proceeding to tell him the rest of Flintstone's cards. Dumbo wins, sends me a wink, and I begin to laugh quietly. It's a sound I rarely made and I could tell everyone was feeling much better now that I was calming down.
