polaroids | awsten knight

polaroid six

The sixth polaroid was taken at your house.

We spoke on the phone every day and finally matched up a day where both of us weren't busy and the weather was clear. I biked over to your house for one in the afternoon, excited to see you again.

You came to the door when I texted you, saying I made it. I was too scared to knock on the door in the fear of one of your family members opening the door. I never was good at talking to other people's family.

"Come on! I have snacks and shit! Also, my parents don't know you're here so uh..." You smiled. "Maybe don't shout and stuff?" I felt a little nice that you didn't tell your parents; I hated when parents would check in to make sure my friends and I weren't doing anything "inappropriate."

You brought me into the basement, which had a television, a few gaming consoles, and bowls of snacks. My stomach was growling at the sight of all the food.

"Go ahead," you said, gesturing to the bowls. "It's all for you, anyways." You then moved over to the TV and inserted a movie into the DVD player. Honestly, I just wanted to talk to you, learn about your favourite things.

You put in Sleeping Beauty and sat back, giving space between us. You never wanted to push it with me, but also you never wanted to start with me. By that, I mean you didn't get close to me because you didn't want to push it.

I had to take it upon myself to sit closer to you since you wouldn't get close to me. The movie began and I slowly scooted closer. If the volume was any lower, I'd be able to hear your heartbeat.

Something changed within you after the third time we hung out. You had gotten softer, yet more talkative. Although, you chose when you were talkative, and never really broke out of your shell until we were hanging out for a while.

"I wanna talk to you..." You had uttered, turning down the volume on the TV. Were you all right? I nodded, allowing you to continue. "We don't talk talk, like I want to actually talk to you."

I had never spoken to anyone seriously. Aside from my therapist, the only ever time I said anything that was personal was to myself. I figured that this was you, and you wouldn't go around telling people my secrets, so I obliged.

It's scary talking about personal things to other people. We all have our own opinions and experiences, so it's different when talking to others. For example, I've normalized my anxiety. It's not a hard subject to talk about for me. For others though, it could make them uncomfortable.

"I wasn't expecting you to say that," you laughed awkwardly. "But that's nice! I can't talk to Otto or Geoff like this. They'll think I'm crazy." You guys would only joke around, never serious about topics.

"It's just that, I got diagnosed with anxiety and-and it's all new to me." I wasn't expecting that, so when you told me and my eyes shot open, I hope you didn't think I was judging you.

You told me about how you knew and how it felt to finally understand what was wrong with you. Now I had set up boundaries for you, making sure that I never put you in a difficult situation.

"I can help if you want?" I asked, giving all my attention to you. "Did you get medication from your psychiatrist?" I didn't know much about anxiety, aside from the symptoms I got. Everyone reacts differently to anxiety, so I didn't expect your prescription to be the same as mine.

You nodded, reaching over to a side table where an orange container sat, a little less than full. Take 2 every 24 hours. You must have gotten them the day before.

"Yeah. She gets me to call her by her first name, Marie. That's really nice of her." You shook the bottle both out of nervousness and to show me that you weren't kidding. "It's hard when none of my friends knows how it feels."