polaroids | awsten knight

polaroid fifteen

The fifteenth polaroid was taken on a walk cut short.

When I called you and said I was bored, you would appear at my door in twenty minutes. Today was one of those times.

My parents had left me the house as they had to meet with my aunt; my mom's sister. Nothing serious, it's just that they haven't talked in a while and wanted to catch up. That made me so lonely in the house.

It hit noon and I called you, asking what you were doing. You responded with nothing and I asked if you wanted to come over. With that, you hung up and I knew that you were heading for the bus.

I was in the middle of watching the news when there was a knock at the door. The very specific knock let me know it was you. Knock, knock, knock... knock, knock. I hated answering the door when I was alone, so this let me feel comfortable opening it.

You were there on the other side, your blue wig bright in the spring sunlight. The only thing brighter than your wig was your smile. I brought you into a hug and never wanted to let go. Hugs were one of the things that made me feel safe, but only if they came from you.

In my house, we sat cuddled on the couch, your hand playing with my hair. It felt like a dream, yet the smile on your face was so real.

When we got tired of watching television, I started up the GameCube and inserted Mario Kart. You chose Waluigi and I chose Toad. We played multiple games, never once holding back as we competed against each other.

While playing, the sky outside slowly faded to a beautiful colour. It caught my attention and you noticed what I was looking at. "Get up. Let's go." You dropped the controller and took my hand, bringing me out of the living room.

I told you to wait up as I went to get my camera, wanting to capture the sky. You sat idly on the couch, looking like you had something to say. This entire time, you never told me what was wrong.

When I got outside, you were stood out there, staring up at the pastel sky. Nature was your best friend and it made you look so good.

"Let's go for a walk," you said, turning to me. Of course, I loved nature just as much as you. We began walking down the street and turning the corners whenever we could. I took a picture of the now pink sky, out of words for how beautiful it was.

Somehow, we ended up right back on my street. As I was about to ask if you wanted to go for another walk, you spoke up. "Oh, god. Oh my god." You gripped my arm tightly.

What? What's going on? I was stuck watching you, unable to figure out what was happening. Soon enough, you dropped to the floor but you were still breathing. Luckily, you passed out in front of Otto's house.

I rattled my fist again the door, worried that any second you'd be coughing up blood or something. When Otto answered, I didn't take any pauses and rushed him to get the keys to his truck. There's no way I was bringing you in an ambulance - no offence, it's just a lot of money.

We carried you into the backseat of the truck, keeping you in place with the seatbelt. You didn't say anything about passing out so maybe this was your first time.

Before we started driving, I called your home phone and told your parents to meet us at the hospital. They were scared but obliged.

We met your family by the emergency entrance and asked for a doctor or nurse to take you in. Your parents didn't know you started passing out either. I had to explain to them that you probably didn't know what was going on.

Your family followed you to the room while Otto and I went to the gift show to find you something. Inside there was a pair of earphones (since your's broke) and a notebook that we bought.

Otto told me he knew you started passing out, but it wasn't as horrible as this time. You'd go over to his house to talk and sometimes pass out for a few seconds then come back. Or you'd go to the washroom and be sick, but it wasn't that bad.

After finding the room you were kept in, we found you awake, barely able to remember what happened. "So I just...passed out?" You were squinting, not used to the change of the fading-to-dark outside to the unbearable ceiling lights.

"That's what you did." I handed you the gifts we bought. "You scared the shit out of me," I let out a breathy laugh, taking the chair next to your bed. Seeing you like this felt terrible. Although you did only pass out, it felt so much worse than that.

For an hour we all waited there, making sure you were okay. I'd love to stay there until you got out, but they had to do some tests on you to know what happened. They didn't have to do tests: a side effect of cancer is nausea and nausea leads to you passing out.

We waited outside until visiting times were over, and we had to go home. "You should sleepover at our house!" Gracie sang, clearly not bothered about seeing her brother in that state. "I mean, it's the least we can do for you helping."

Texting my parents that I wouldn't be home won't be so much trouble, they wouldn't even know I was gone until they got home the next day. I told them what happened and then got into the car with your family. Gracie sat in the back with me and asked me questions about my favourite things.

Arriving at your house, Gracie led me up to her room, as she previously asked if we could hang out before she had to go to sleep. She sat me on her bed while she went to go get something.

Entering her room once again, this time with a shoebox. It had glittered stickers on the top and writing on the side; I knew it was your writing.

"Awsten keeps this full of things he likes." She set it down on her bed, running her fingers along the stickers. The sides looked worn down and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe this box was old or maybe you carried it with you some places.

She placed her hands by the sides and lifted the top. Inside was filled with baby blue tissue paper. "He keeps this in here so mom and dad won't think anything of it." Pulling out the paper, Gracie showed me what was inside.

A few pictures of me, some lists, a notebook, and a calendar. None of this made sense. That was until I looked at everything. The lists were of my favourite things. The calendar was filled with things we did together.

The notebook was the one that meant the most. You wrote in there like you were writing to me. Days before we saw each other you'd write saying you were excited. Days I felt sick you were sad I didn't want you to help me, after all, I didn't want you sick too.

On a few pages, you wrote about talking to Otto. You went to his house without me knowing and wanted to know things about me. That's not weird. Otto is my best friend so going to him about things I like makes sense. 

"He never wanted anyone to know about it aside from me," she admitted. "He thinks it's embarrassing. You think it's sweet, right?"

I was in a daze reading the notebook. It felt wrong, but I wanted to know how you truly felt about me. "Oh- yeah, this is the best thing anyone's ever done for me."

That night I read all the words you wrote down of how to say love. I wanted you to get better faster so I could hug you.