Pretending

33

Jimin was shaking less and less in my arms until he finally stopped crying. He looked up at me.

"Tae, there's something that's always bothered me that I never told you about."

I loosened my grip around him and allowed him to get some space.

I didn't say anything, just looked back at him, waiting for him to speak.

"When we were 13. When we kissed for the first time." He paused and looked down. "That moment was so perfect for me. I had been crushing on you for so long. I was so happy that you liked me too. Like I've said, I thought that was the beginning of a really cheesy and perfect love story that I had always dreamed of."

He sighs. "But it wasn't. Tae, I didn't want to tell you this because I didn't want to make you feel bad, but I felt to betrayed afterwards. With the things that happened."

I looked at him in confusion. "Betrayed? Why? What things?"

He wouldn't look me in the eye.

"Tae, you were self-harming. And you wanted to kill yourself. And I felt so bad about it. I felt like it was my fault. For kissing you. I thought maybe I wasn't enough. That I wasn't a good friend and that's why you didn't want to live anymore."

"Jimin, no, don't think that I-"

"Tae," Jimin said, looking up at me with watery eyes. "Please."

I nodded and let him speak.

"I felt so bad that you didn't seem to like me afterwards. I wanted to kiss you again. I wanted to be your boyfriend. But it was clear it wasn't what you wanted. I felt betrayed both because you wanted to kill yourself and I thought that I wasn't enough of a reason for you to live and because I wanted to be with you and you didn't pay any attention to be anymore. You weren't there for me. I know my parents were later on okay with me being gay, but when we were 13, both of us were just figuring things out. I still hadn't come out to my parents and I was terrified that they'd react the way yours did. I was so scared Tae, and I wanted to show it, but I knew I had to be strong for you. I did everything for you to want to keep living, while I felt so terrified of life myself."

He looked back up at me.

"Don't think I blame you. I get it. Your mom fucked shit up. I don't blame you at all. But it doesn't change how I felt. I just wanted to tell you. Just because I've been holding that in for a while."

I looked back at his sad eyes. "I'm sorry you felt like that. And I hate that we've been living with this stupid bullshit of hiding our feelings to protect the other for so long. I hope it's over now. Because it's just ridiculous. We're hurting ourselves and each other."

Jimin nodded. "It's so much better like this. To just be honest. It hurts too. But it's better."

We stared at each other for a long time. Not saying anything.

"Any more confessions?" I asked.

Jimin nodded. "Yes. Just one."

"What is it?"

"I hated that I couldn't just fucking call you like crazy and spam you with messages when you weren't here. I hated that you were with Jin for a week, hiding from me. Jin's so important to me, and I couldn't see him for a week because then I'd have to see you, and you didn't want that. I hated that you ran from me and ignored me. I just wanted to demand to know why you weren't here and force you to come back. I wished I had a right to do that, but I don't so I let you be. But it bothered me."

"Well it bothered me that you fucking ignored me trying to talk to you about my feelings. I felt so stupid for bringing it up and then you just disregarding what I said by just fucking saying, 'let's go to Jin's.'"