There All Along

Chapter Seven

Josh was in the middle of putting his clothes back on but I just sat on the sofa, naked. I stared at the wall in front of me. I was cuddling my legs close to my chest, rocking back and forth. I couldn't believe what had just happened.

My whole body was shaking, I was in fear, I felt sick to my stomach, my private area was hurting, just everything was wrong with my body at this moment. I had just lost my virginity.

I felt even worse considering I hadn't eaten for hours....days even, without puking it all out. I felt weak and my body was still shaking. My stomach started to rumble. I had to eat something but Josh would never allow it. He smirked at me and leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. "I was amazing, wasn't I?"

Even though he had taken off the sellotape during sex so I could speak, I was lost for words so I just nodded. He said, "you were ok too. But there's room for improvement, a lot of it."

A tear rolled down my cheek. He had just raped me and continued to tell me that I wasn't even good enough at that?!

"Maybe if you lose a few more pounds you'd be able to move during it a bit more," he explains.

I breathe more heavily as I try to fight back the tears but they come streaming down my face. I stay silent but my mind is fighting battles.

Josh you jerk! How could you do this to me?! I thought you loved me?! I'm just nothing but a little toy to you. You think you can use me whenever you want. Beat me, rape me, insult me, bully me, kill me inside. But you have every right to.

I'm sorry, Josh. I'm sorry for being such a horrible slut of a girlfriend to you. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough. I'll improve. I'll get better, at everything. Anything you want. You name it and I'll get better at it. I'll do the best that I can. I'll be better than the best. All for you, my baby. Anytime. Anything for you, Josh. I love you.

"I'll be back later to check up on you," he says. "I'll teach you a few tips so you can get better the next time."

I stay silent. My eyes don't move from the wall I was already staring at continuously.

"Aren't you going to say anything, Anna?"

"I love you," I tell him.

"That's better." He kisses my forehead and is gone in a flash.

He didn't even say he loves me back.

I go to the bathroom and step on the scales. 7 stone 2. I'm one pound lighter than the last time I checked which is not good enough. I look at myself in the mirror. My cheeks and eyes were red and my eyes were still watery. My cheeks were damp and my nose was snotty. It was obvious that I had been crying for hours. I couldn't let Emma see me like this. I couldn't let anyone see me like this. So I quickly go up to my room and put on makeup and brush my hair and style it into a high ponytail then I head downstairs. I go into the kitchen and grab more food; cereal, milk, chocolate, doughnuts and a cupcake. I take all the food I gather and go into the bathroom. I turn on the shower and start to eat the cereal with milk. After, I purge. Then I eat the chocolate then purge. It's like a song, a routine.

Doughnuts, purge. Cupcake, purge. More chocolate, purge.

Fat pig. But you did starve and throw it all up. I'll give you credit for that.

Afterwards, I looked at the mirror in the bathroom again. My eyes were bloodshot and watery from making myself sick continuously. I turned off the shower and cleaned up any signs of sick and head upstairs to see Emma. She was sitting on the floor playing with her Barbie dolls. She was playing with Stacey, her favourite and Stacey's boyfriend James, (who Emma had also renamed) .