letters to park jimin ▸ jikook

letter #0

Dear Jungkook,

I don't know where to start. This whole experience has been a rollercoaster for me. Since day one when I first saw you in that leather jacket of yours, walking down the halls and making all the girls swoon and fall at your knees up until today where I am officially yours and you have made me the happiest man on Earth.

It's been a whole year. A whole year since I last saw you and I miss you so much. This whole year has been bullshit to me. I sold off our apartment just a few days ago, unable to watch as the memories of us flood back into my mind while I wanted to let them all go. Everything in that apartment had memories of us, reminding me of the good and the bad times and the amount of time we have spent with each other. 

I reunited with my parents a few months ago. They were sorry and welcomed me home. They apologized for all they have done and have learned to accept me as who I was and you as mine. And I forgave them. After all, what happened in the past should stay in the past. They have accepted me and us and I could never ask for more.

My brother stopped talking to me after what happened, saying that I should take the time alone to do whatever I wanted done. 'Tour around the world' he said. But I don't think I would ever have to heart to do so without you. So as I am writing this to you, I am touring just South Korea itself. My wallet has a picture of you, bringing a piece of you to wherever I go. 

I miss you a lot, Jungkook-ah. I hated that day at the hospital. When they told me that you were gone, that you had overdosed yourself, my heart broke and I think a part of me had gone along with you. I was no longer the same. I rarely slept, ate or drank. Taehyung and the others always tried to bring me out but I would always refuse. Even Yoongi hyung would persuade me to go have some drinks with him. And on the rare occasions that I do go out, I would drink until I pass out and a crazy hangover the next day.

I felt like shit and four months later, I was ready to talk to someone. I met with your therapist and she said that before you overdosed, you had stopped seeing her and stopped going to take your medications. She said that she tried calling me to inform about your situation but apparently you gave her a fake number. She told me that your condition had worsened during your appointment but you tried not to show it.

I kind of noticed it because at some times, you would slip up and show the symptoms of your schizophrenia. It was really obvious when I found you talking to yourself and when I confronted you about it, you said it was nothing. You stopped going to work after awhile but you never told me. You would always come back, smiling and talking about your day.

When I learned that you overdosed, I thought that it was a mistake, that the doctors were lying to me. But they allowed me to visit the ward and they showed me the reports. You looked so fragile, lying on that damn bed, hooked up to so many machines. I informed your family but it seemed like they would not care if you died. I stayed by your side, hoping you would pass this period, but you didn't. Two weeks later, the doctor announced your death as I held onto your hand, wishing that I would never have to let it go.

And now, maybe I don't really have to. I leave this letter in our apartment, hoping that if the police do find it, they would know how much I love you as I took all the drugs your therapist prescribed in one go and left the apartment, driving to the graveyard so I could finally meet and be with you. 

Wait for me, my dear Jungkook. I love you. To the moon and back, I love you so much.

Forever yours, 
Park Jimin.