Say It

one

tuesday, november 22 | san francisco, california

To be in a man's arms was something. Especially when you knew those arms belonged to someone who cared for you. The grip was tighter. That subtle motion of them pulling you closer made you feel important in their world.

The way Jace held me, however, was scary sometimes. He held me like he wasn't sure if he'd ever hold me again. As if he didn't know if this was his last time. That's when I knew he was worried about me.

I had been suicidal around this time last year. I managed to have locked myself in my room, attempting to end it all. Jace had to kick down the door and rush me to the hospital.

If Jace hadn't kicked down my door, I'm not sure I would be here.

My mom suggested that I finally go see a therapist, something I'd avoided doing ever since Shiloh was killed.

It worked for a few months, but I was right back where I started. I was triggered by a letter from Travis, who was currently serving a life sentence in federal prison.

He penned his regrets, told me the actual details of that night and asked for forgiveness. But, I hated him. I was disgusted with him. He knew Shiloh trusted him and he preyed on his loyalty.

"You good, Ni?" Jace's voice startled me. I was so busy with my thoughts.

Clearing my throat, I shifted slightly against him. "Yes, why you ask?"

Jace moved his hand from mine. "You're squeezin' the shit outta my hand, love." He replied while rubbing it.

"Oh," I sat up and looked at my own hand to see that it was slightly red. "I'm sorry."

He sat up with me, and wrapped his arms around me. "You sure you're good?" He asked again, kissing the side of my mouth.

"Why, when you're high, you're a seducer?" I asked, ignoring his question.

Jace smiles, showing off his beautiful teeth. "Why you sidesteppin' my question?"

I moved my neck around in a circular motion. "I'm fine."

Jace sighed against me. The mixture of weed and cologne was an odd combination that I liked. He never smoked around me, always before or after he was with me. If he smoked before, he'd spray cologne as if it actually worked.

Jace was from Crenshaw, Crenshaw Boulevard to be exact. Although he grew up in the rougher parts of the city, he never got into any trouble. After his father was killed when he was three, his mom made sure he was in extracurricular activities and in his books.

It worked because Jace graduated with a 4.0, the top of his class. He then received a full academic scholarship here to Stanford. He doubled majored in Engineering and Math. Jace was smart as hell.

From the moment I met him, I knew he'd been raised well. Jace was a great guy and I ultimately felt bad for using him. While I didn't want to get close, I didn't want to be alone either. I've known him a year and a half. I was comfortable.

"What you thinkin' about?" His voice startled me again.

I blinked a few times to return back to earth. I pecked his lips before answering his question. "Nothing." Jace shook his head at me. "What?"

"Why you got this wall between us? Like you can at least tell me what's on ya mind."

Before I could answer, my phone sounded in the room and I could see a picture of Saint and I as the phone lit up. I reached for it, forcing Jace to move back. I slid the answer bar across the screen and placed the phone up to my ear.