Say It

twenty nine

milan, italy | same day

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I closed the door behind my mom and I as we entered a secluded room. When I turned around to look at her, she had this look on her face that I couldn't read.

I couldn't tell if she was upset, disappointed or mad. However, she didn't say anything. She just sighed and folded her arms across her chest, looking at me expectantly.

Biting my lip, I briefly glanced down at my hand. "I'm not sure what to say." I broke the silence that was hovering over us like a dark cloud.

My mom still didn't say anything. "I didn't want you to find out like this." I continued. "I was going to have a sit down with you."

"Seems like everyone know, but me." She looked at me.

I shook my head. "It's not like that. Uncle Amir kind of just put two and two together. The only people who knew are Mariyah and Jace."

"Nia, I—" She paused momentarily. "I don't understand."

I took a deep breath. "I'm a recovering addict, mom. I took pills and I almost used those same pills to kill myself."

A tear rolled down her cheek as she began to sniffle.

As much as she tried to hold it in, the pain came out like an uproar from her throat in the form of a silent scream.

Tears formed in my own eyes because I knew that cry. It was the same cry I heard when her and Papa broke up before he proposed.

The same cry I heard when they sentenced Uncle Siah to fifteen years to life in prison.

That was the cry of heartbreak. I had been on the list of those closes to her who had broken her heart.

A tear fell down my own cheek and I quickly wiped it away.

  I felt like I had let her down. My entire life I had been trying to make my mom proud. I wanted to be the example for my younger siblings.

Even as I ran away from it, I wanted to be just like her. Maybe she was the exception to the rule. The bar was too high.

   Or I was putting too much pressure on myself to be like her at nineteen. My mom was 44 years old. I'm sure at nineteen, she was nowhere she is today.

"I'm sorry." I apologized.

She just shook her head and pulled me into a hug that I knew I needed all along, but was too prideful to ask for.

It seemed like I melted in her arms as she held me tight. The sobs punched through me. I sobbed into her chest unceasingly, clutching her body.

"You don't ever need to apologize to me when you're hurting." She reassured me as she continued to hold me. "I just wish you would have come to me."

I sniffled. "I didn't want to disappoint you."

My mom pulled away slightly to look at me. "Nia, you can never disappoint me. Maybe this is my fault."

I shook my head. "It's no one's fault."

"I think you believe you have to be perfect. I don't know why because I don't expect you to be. I want you to be Nia, the best Nia you can be. However that looks for you. That's why I never tried to force you to do anything remotely close to what I've done."

"But, I'm your daughter. How will the world see it if they find out?"

My mom gripped my arms. "Look at me." I slowly looked at her. "I don't give a damn what they say. You're Nia. A four time olympic gold medalist, fastest woman to ever live and a self taught artist. But, you're just nineteen. There's always room for growth."