Shock And Awe

JJ's Thoughts

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"Life is a dangerous thing. Insecurity is the price of living." ~ Alija Izetbegovic

"Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life." ~ Anne Roiphe
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Chapter 4

We really didn't have much to do at the station, as the local police generally handled everything after a suspect was caught or killed. We just had basic paperwork that needed to be completed. Once that was taken care of, Hotch, Rossi, and I headed back to the hotel to pick up all of our belongings, so we could make our way back home. With Hotch driving as usual, I was able to contact the flight crew on my way back to the hotel, letting them know when we would be arriving at the jet.

I spoke with the hotel manager, letting him know we would all be checking out, and provided him with the details of where to send his invoices for payment. I thanked him for the wonderful service we all received, as I normally do on cases, and made my way to my room. I thought briefly of going to check on Emily, but I could tell by the look she gave me earlier that she wanted some space. Besides, I planned on talking to her once she was on the jet. She had been avoiding me for weeks, and I knew, deep down, something was wrong.

Then I saw her talking to Hotch and Garcia on Monday in the conference room. Garcia gave her a hug, and when she turned around and saw me, she had averted her eyes. I tried to ask Garcia about it before we left on our case, but Garcia said everything was fine. Garcia could never lie to me, or anyone else for that matter, so I knew she was lying. But she wouldn't tell me what was going on. Whatever was going on with Emily, that was causing her to be so distant, Garcia and Hotch knew at least part of the reason. I had tried countless times to talk to Emily, to find out what was wrong, but always got the same basic response. Everything was fine. I knew better. Seeing her talking to Garcia and Hotch just confirmed it. She was shutting me out.

I quickly threw all of my things in my go-bag and made my way back downstairs to the lobby. Hotch and Rossi were already there waiting for me. We loaded all of our things up in the SUV and made our way to the jet. Before long, the three of us were on the jet, awaiting Morgan, Reid, and Emily's arrival, so that we could return home. I informed the pilot that we would be leaving once they arrived and I made sure that we had everything in order for our flight. I made some coffee, as I know that everyone on our team inhales it as if it were air. After pouring myself a cup, I sat back in one of the oversized seats with a blanket wrapped around myself, and waited for Emily to arrive. While I waited, I thought about what I wanted to say to Emily once she was on the jet. I knew she'd try and tell me she was fine or simply shut me out entirely, but I wasn't going to let her do that this time. I couldn't; I needed her in my life too much to give up now.

Hearing her talking today about the UnSub and the afterlife. Hearing her say that she coded in the ambulance. That all she felt was cold and darkness, I realized that even though she is alive, I still almost lost her. She really did die the night she fought Ian, even though they were able to bring her back. The thought of losing her again terrifies me.

I desperately need to talk to her. I have something I need to tell her. Something I should have told her years ago. If I would have, things may have turned out so differently. I know she's kept secrets from me and our team, but I have kept a few of my own from everyone. Maybe once she finds out one of the major ones, she'll finally let some of those walls down and let me in. I lost her once, and that nearly killed me. I can't lose her again.

I glance down at my watch again. She should be getting here with Morgan and Reid any minute. Once she's here, I'm going to sit down and talk to her. I'm going to tell her that I won't let her avoid me any longer. I'm going to follow her back to her place and we're going to talk. I have to tell her what I should have told her all of those years ago. Maybe once I do, things might get better between us. At least then I'll know. I just know that I can't keep wondering and hiding. She means too much to me. I have to at least try. I just hope she still wants to try after all this time too.

I wish I could say that it all started when she came back, the distance between us, but I know that it started way before then, and I know that I am partially, if not completely, to blame. I knew from the moment I first saw her that my life would never be the same again, and I was right. I just never imagined exactly how much my life would change.

At first, I didn't understand my feelings for her. I knew that I felt closer to her than anyone else in my life before. She made me feel safe and loved. I mistook that for a deep friendship at first. Then things went a little too far and we kissed. I didn't handle it very well and I knew that hurt her deeply. I just didn't understand what it was that I was feeling at the time. I panicked. I wanted to be close to her, so badly, but at the same time, I was scared. Not of her, but of my own feelings. I would let my guard down, or need to feel safe in her arms, or loved as only she could do. But then my fear would come back, and I would run from her. I'd never been attracted to a woman before, so my feelings for her just didn't make any sense to me. But, there was just something about her that kept pulling me towards her, like some kind of hidden magnet.

Then, to make matters even more complicated, we picked up a case down in New Orleans. I got paired up with a detective that, while cute and sweet, decided that after flirting with Emily wasn't getting him anywhere, he would take a shot at flirting with me. Apparently, there weren't that many attractive women in his orbit, so when two showed up at once, he didn't know what to do with himself. After Emily quickly shot him down, he focused all of his efforts and attention on me. I can't say I wasn't flattered. Besides, I was still so confused about my feelings for Emily. By that time, Emily and I had kissed a couple of times, and I always felt safe with her, drawn to her, but I didn't think I was supposed to feel that way. Will was the kind of person that I was supposed to be attracted to, right? I wasn't supposed to be attracted to someone like Emily. Not only because she was a woman, but because she was so far out of my class it was ridiculous. Will wasn't like that. He was just an average guy. I didn't have to worry about being good enough for him, or losing my job or family if I decided to date him. He was safe; Emily wasn't.

I gave him my card when the case was over and we struck up a long-distance relationship. We started off just talking on the phone, but then he started flying up to see me when he wasn't working and I wasn't on a case. Then we picked up a case that involved Emily's mom, the Ambassador, and I was even more sure that Emily was out of my league. Watching how the two of them interacted, how powerful her mother was, the way her mother was completely dismissive of nearly everyone except Emily, Hotch, and Strauss, just reinforced my belief I would never fit in to her world.

Then there was the case where Garcia got shot, and everything changed. Emily and I were both affected by it. After I shot and killed Battle, and I knew Garcia was safe, I was still on edge. I showed up at Emily's place, needing to see her. I needed to feel safe and protected, and only she could do that for me. I may have been with Will, but he didn't make me feel the way Emily did. I cared about him, but he couldn't take away the pain I felt. He didn't seem to know what I needed like Emily did. He couldn't make me feel safe, loved, and protected. Just seeing Emily, being near her, was all I really needed to feel all of those things. It's not that Will didn't try, but we just didn't seem to have the same deep connection that I had with Emily.

After nearly losing Garcia, I needed that connection. I think in a lot of ways, Emily did too. Emily and I talked about a lot of things that night over wine. We both let our guards down and needed to feel something other than fear or pain. We needed to feel that connection with one another. The wine probably assisted with that process. But, I can't blame it all on the wine, since I knew exactly what I was doing, and what I wanted. We both did. We made love that night. That was our first and last night together. I just hope that once she knows the truth, about what I have been keeping from her and everyone else, she'll let me back into her life. I just need her to listen to me, to hear me out. Hopefully, after she finally learns what I've been keeping from everyone, that night won't be our last night together.