Shock And Awe

Not the Same

A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.

I just wanted to thank everyone for the votes. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren't into it...I'll wrap it up before too long.

And remember...reviews and votes keep me and my muse motivated...especially if they are positive!!!

I hope you enjoy this latest chapter...Now on with the show!!!

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"No one can possibly know what is about to happen: it is happening, each time, for the first time, for the only time." ~ James Baldwin

"True love cannot be found where it does not exist, nor can it be denied where it does." ~ Torquato Tasso
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Chapter 16

Okay...so playing along with her little seductress game might've been a bad idea. I guess that saying about hindsight being 20/20 would probably be applicable here. I just can't seem to control myself whenever I'm around JJ or when I look into her eyes. It's like all of my logic and rational thinking gets sucked into those beautiful blue orbs and I'm helpless to stop it.

I'm finally able to pull back from our heated kiss, and I look into JJ's eyes once again, noticing they are filled with desire. I know if we keep this up...this flirtatious little game we started to play...our conversation will never get finished. While my hormones are screaming at me to keep going, my mind is telling me to stop and finish our conversation. In my heart, I know that I love JJ, but my mind keeps reminding me that I have too many secrets. Once JJ finds out about them...she'll run away from me again...for good this time. Besides...if things keep going, I'd have to show her all of my new wounds and old scars. Not only would have killed the mood, but it would completely derail the conversation we were having before. I have to stop things now...and put a little distance between us. I have to step back from the situation a little bit...before things go too far...and I'm not able to stop myself from getting lost in the moment.

"I'm sorry JJ. I can't do this right now." I gently push JJ back, standing up from the couch to walk over to the large picture window overlooking the city. Staring at the lights on the city beneath me, I wonder if anyone going about their evening is having as much trouble focusing their thoughts as I am. I try to focus on the Washington Monument, as if by finding something to focus on out there will help me to focus the thoughts inside of me.

I'm still staring out the window, but I feel JJ walk up behind me. "I'm sorry Em. I didn't mean to rush you. This isn't like all of the times before...when I came over...wanting to be with you, only to leave once you were asleep. I know you have no reason to trust me. I'm just hoping you will...just one more time. But I don't want you to think I was joking either, because I meant what I said earlier. I'll do anything you want or need me to do to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere."

"To be honest JJ...I don't know what to say at this point...what to think...or even what to believe. But as for what we were talking about before...I don't want to have to restrain you to keep you here. Whether you meant it as a joke or if you were being serious. You should want to stay here...all on your own. One of the problems is that you're right. I don't know if I can really trust you. I have no way of knowing if that's really what you want...or if that's just what you're saying you want." I glance up at JJ's reflection in the window, but continue before she can interrupt.