Jahseh
Satin was curled up in my bed as I didn't want her alone anymore. If I vowed to not let anyone hurt her that meant I'd have to protect her from herself as well. This was getting hard being I was still fighting shit within myself. I didn't want to let her down but I couldn't lose myself.
" I'm always where the sun don't shine
The tears don't show, Won't
hurt me now cause, hearts been broke
I, hate myself but, it won't show
I constantly lose all, my remorse and it's
Ten for the wolf and, three for the shepherd
And it's one for the sheep who
Led by your leopard, often gave his perception as a handle of weapon
Took a bite of your apple
Gave me, all you could offer " I spoke melodically conjuring up a possible song in my head. Satin slept through it all and I was grateful for that. I wasn't feeling like myself. I was feeling alone and I was hurting behind it. What the fuck was I going to do? How can I appease her while caring for myself? This was my world and I couldn't watch it crumble but what is the world without a soul to grace it?
I stood and made my way to my jacket, digging in the pocket for a cigarette and a lighter. I turned on the ceiling fan before sparking it and taking a long and much appreciated drag. It didn't do much for me anymore but it did something. Blowing out the smoke I felt Satin shifting and she soon had her arm snaked around my shoulder as she took the stick from me. She reached back and put it out in the ash tray on my night stand.
" You know I don't like when you smoke those. " her scratchy voice eased my mind and I realized I didn't need anything to calm my nerves. I only needed her.
" Satin you have to promise me you won't do anything like you did again today. I'd lose my mind if.. " I trailed off not wanting to finish the sentence. I only shook my head scoffing.
" I'm supposed to be saving you but I don't seem too strong myself. " she said sadly from behind me. I remember her saying she could only save me if I let her but now it seemed like I was trying to save her. She seemed hopeless now and I knew this was the effect of me. I was draining her. This is what I did.
" I shouldn't have let us happen. I'm ruining you. You were a beast before me. " I laughed slightly out of sadness. I missed the Satin before I got a hold of her. The Satin you would have to pay to see cry and would probably just take your money. The Satin that wouldn't take shit from anybody. The Satin that would've beat my fucking ass for the shit I pulled with Geneva. I made her weak and less confident in herself.
" This has nothing to do with you Jah.. I wouldn't allow you to change me for the worst. " I turned around and hovered over her looking into her eyes.
" Were you scared because you're not ready to die? " I asked watching her eyes. I had to read her or I wouldn't be able to understand her.
" I was scared because I didn't want to leave you here broken. I've got so much to do for you and I was scared if I died you'd self destruct because I didn't do my job. " she said with tired eyes but I didn't want her to rest just yet.
" I just want us to be happy already. You said after the bond no more cutting. Normally your blood attracts me but today.. " I shuttered closing my eyes visioning her deep blood smeared everywhere.
" It scared me to fucking death. " I groaned and she smiled like a weirdo. She reached up to caress my face and I leaned down to kiss her cheek.
I lay beside her, spooning her with my arm wrapped around her tightly so she couldn't leave my side. " I won't do it again, I promise. " she assured me and I just hoped she was being honest about that.
