Jahseh
" I dream so much.. I just can't seem to find an answer to what I'm looking for in general.
I can't keep living like this, it's breaking my heart to live like this.
I mean who's to say.. who's to say you find an answer when living?
What if you just die? What if life as we know it is all a dream? What if we live for no reason? What if you just disappear when you die?
Should I cling to life.. or should I just kill myself?
So many contradictions.. Contemplations..
It's getting harder and harder to mask my pain.
I can't tell if I wanna live or if I wanna die.
Please.
Save me. "
I shuddered as the tape recorded for a few more seconds before I pressed stop. I guess this was healing? My day by day dynamic seemed to drastically differ from what it was a year ago. Run the streets. Wreak havoc. Hurt people. Let's just throw a lot of crazy sex in the mix while we're at it. I'd say now my life is more peaceful but my heart and soul were still rotting on the inside. I wasn't sure what it was I truly wanted anymore. I use to think that it was genuine love. I use to think it was growth. I'm learning that was just another something I was wrong about. I'm honestly just tired of trying to obtain whatever it is.
I slipped the recorder back into the small brown box it called home and returned it to the top of the closet. I looked around, tiredly trying to find anything to keep me occupied. Satin was close to being out of school. Ski was out being a lovely housewife and finding us new pieces for a concert in Texas we have coming up. His drip didn't compare to mine but I trusted he would find me something dope.
My phone rang from the kitchen being that I left it there when I was pigging out about an hour ago. By the time I made it to the phone whoever was calling, who I soon learned was Craig, had hung up so I shot him a text.
" Wassuh bae? "
" Cheater I'm snitchin😒 but yo
this man Ice is having some weird
ass sit down with yo ex at this Waffle House.. "
My eyes stayed fixed for a few seconds. Knowing how slimy Geneva is I didn't have to question what the topic of discussion was. I didn't bother responding because it truly wasn't anything to say. I wanted in on the fuck shit. Whatever they had going on I was about to insert myself and change the whole dynamic. That's the least I could do after they completely violated my love and in turn violated me. I spared Coolie, IceCat and Geneva so the fact that they're still going about like they don't know who their fucking with is almost funny to me. I had a good idea what Waffle House they occupied. Checking the time I grabbed my keys and shot out to Broward.
Satin
" B equals 13. " I answered dryly after no one else would volunteer to give the answer. I'm convinced everyone in this class but me is brain dead.
" That is correct, Ms. G. B equals 13 which makes both of these equations false! Thank you. " My math teacher spoke, calling me by my new found nickname. He claims Goulbourne was too " mind boggling " for him so I told him G was cool. I nodded my head to say 'you're welcome' and went back to jotting notes in my composition pad. I glanced at the clock and almost broke through my desk when the bell rung. I was practically dying to get out of here. I'd say this was the worst first day I've ever experienced in all my experiences.
The ditzy receptionist combined my schedule with another new students' so half my classes were correct and half weren't. That also meant I ended up at the wrong lunch and missed a good portion of a few of my classes. There was that annoying, ugly little boy who hits on every new girl that also had just about every class with me. If I had to sit through another sexual harassment fest I literally think I would've just stabbed myself with a pen in the head. The lunch was just as shitty as my old school if not worse. To top it off I had to deal with the constant reminder that I was going to be here for 2 years without Céance making the passage a little more bearable to travel down. I don't think I could do this. My first priority when I breezed through those glass doors was to convince Stokes to let me drop out.
