As You Are

Screwed

Meredith

"Cristina, I think I fucked up"

It was a sentence I'd said more than once in the time we'd been friends, because I happened to be the most impulsive person she'd ever met. Despite our different personalities, she always gave me the best advice.

"The iconic catchphrase is back again" she sits up from her spot on the couch as I close and lock the door behind me. "What happened now?"

"My boss's wife happened" I groan, shrugging my coat off and abandoning it on a chair. I stalked into the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine and two glasses before dramatically falling onto the couch next to her.

"Dr. Shepherd's wife?" Cristina asks, taking the glasses from me and putting them onto the coffee table as I opened the wine. I could hear her interest being peaked at the word wife.

"Addison" I tell her "she's gorgeous, drop dead fucking gorgeous. And we may have had a conversation today that turned into...not a conversation" I explain vaguely, knowing Cristina doesn't want details.

"You fucked her, didn't you" she deadpans, as I pour up our glasses. "You whore. Why did you have to go and do that?" There was a laugh in her voice and a smirk on her face; this was Cristina, she thought I was wild.

I place the bottle down on the table and sigh. "She's...I don't know. I can't explain her. I just want to be around her, y'know?" I don't pause before upending the glass of wine and gulping it down like I'd never tasted wine before. Still, as I took the glass from my lips, my nerves were anything but calm.

"Now you're having post-sex guilt because she's married?" Cristina asks, not even phased by my immediate consumption of the wine.

I shake my head, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. "No, now I'm having post-sex feelings that are making me feel guilty for feeling them. I think I like her, Cristina. I should want to stop this, if not for the sake of my job for the sake of my sanity, but I don't. I want to do it again" I'm rambling, my hands are shaking, but I don't care.

"So that answers my question on if the sex was good or not" Cristina snorts, sipping on her wine. "It was good enough to give you an emotional crisis, it's been a while since you've cared about someone enough to have one of those" she points out, and I roll my eyes in response.

"If I was a good person I'd quit my job and move back to Boston" I grumbled, dissatisfied with myself and the fact that I liked the one woman I could never be with.

"If you were a good person, you wouldn't have fucked her to begin with" Cristina points out with a cackle, and I grab the pillow next to me and smack her with it.

"You're not wrong, but you're also not helping" I couldn't explain myself, not to myself nor to any judge, jury or executioner on the planet. I needed to be near her, something about her just made me feel that much more...everything.

"Look Mer" Cristina says seriously "it's like this. The job isn't permanent, you can go at any time. But which would you rather; not having any contact with her, or having to pretend you haven't fucked her" when she says it like that, it makes sense. If I stopped what I'd started right now, I wouldn't be able to be around her. But, if it continued I'd have to lie to her husband, my boss, every single day.

"Is she worth it?" Cristina asks bluntly. "Do you think this could blossom into a romantic- put the pillow down- love story that you've always dreamt of and longed for- ow!" The pillow made contact with her face, and I didn't feel bad at all.

"I don't know" I tell her "is that bad? Should I know by now?" My mind was racing with all kinds of scenarios, what could happen, what would happen eventually.