As You Are

See me

Addison

"I don't understand what you want from me!"

"I don't understand why you're so blind!"

"What the hell does that mean, Addison?"

Another night, another fight. Derek had come home from work, and I was just not in the mood to pretend like everything was perfect. It seemed like all we ever did was ignore each other and argue, always over the same things.

"You don't know what I want from you" I deadpan "for years, Derek, for YEARS, I just wanted you to see me. I'm more than just your wife and Riley's mother" I felt like I was begging him to notice me, and it felt horrible.

"I don't have time for these games, Addison. We've gotten along perfectly fine up until now" He throws his hands up in defeat, and I laughed darkly.

"Derek, wake up and smell the roses" I snap "life isn't perfect"

He stares at me for a long time, and it makes me feel a sort of guilt almost, for treating him the way I was. I married him because I loved him, surely I couldn't hate him this much now? Love was supposed to grow with time, not die.

"Believe me Addison, I know" and then he turns on his heels and he's gone, the front door slamming behind him, leaving me there to wonder what the hell happened.

~

When I found out Derek was going away for the weekend, I nearly jumped for joy. I needed time away from him so I didn't lose my temper completely.

"And my Mother's arranged to take Riley. She's got Nancy's kids for the weekend too, Riley will have fun"

Another fun surprise that made me sigh in relief. A much needed vacation from the life that chose me.

"Derek" I sigh into the phone "Thank you. For getting your Mom to watch her, thanks" it feels awkward to thank him, but his Mother loathed me and I knew if I had of called, she would've let it ring.

"Of course" is all he says, and the line goes dead. I feel guilt, deep in my stomach, knowing that I've upset him this much. He's not a monster, he's Derek; the man who wrote me a song for our wedding and sung it horribly, the man who picked me up and spun me around when we found out we were pregnant, the man who looks at our daughter like she hung the stars in the sky.

I shake my head, knowing if I start thinking I'll start feeling more and more guilt. In reality, getting his Mom to take Riley for the weekend so I could have some alone time was the nicest thing Derek's done for me in a while. One good deed didn't mean this was fixed.

I put my phone in my purse and decided to head out for lunch; Riley was at school and I didn't need to pick her up for another three hours, which meant I had time to kill.

As I drove, albeit aimlessly, I started to think about the weekend. A whole weekend alone, something I hadn't had in years. My mind wandered to Meredith, and I remembered she'd have the weekend off (or semi-off, if Derek didn't call her for something) since he'd be away.

I smirked, and knew exactly where to drive.

~

Naturally, I had to fix my hair and lipstick in the elevator before seeing her. I knew she wouldn't have cared either way, but I liked knowing she was looking at me.

The ding of the elevator set some nerves alight in my body; why was I nervous to see her? It didn't make sense, she's made it very clear the ball will always be in my court; whatever I want, that's how this goes.