As You Are

So this is it.

Addison's POV:

8 hours earlier

"Mhm, maybe we should try again for that baby" Derek says, after he'd come home from work that night. His hands went to my waist and his lips to my neck, causing me to pull back. His touch felt foreign, unwelcome, because he wasn't her.

"Derek. Stop" I say, looking into his confused eyes. "I need to talk to you" my voice is serious, and I see his face fall.

"What's wrong?" He asks me, his brow furrowing in worry. I feel guilt grab at my chest, and for a brief second, I think about telling him anything but the truth. I didn't want to deal with the repercussions of this, of my mistakes.

But then I remembered that the only mistake I made was not leaving Derek sooner. Loving Meredith was never a mistake, I couldn't lump her into my category of bad luck because she was my light in the storm, my four leaf clover, my lover, my life.

I couldn't stay with Derek. Meredith deserved more than a married woman, and all I wanted to do was give her the world. She deserved it, and so much more, because Meredith Grey is extraordinary.

If giving her the world meant shattering Derek's, then so be it.

"I want a divorce" I say, wringing my hands together as he registers what I've just said. "I'm in love with someone else" just like that, his eyes flash to darkness, and he's looking at me like a stranger.

I don't blame him; I barely recognize myself anymore. But somehow, some way, I'd never felt more comfortable in my own skin.

The way Meredith made me felt was what made my own body feel like home; how could I ever feel out of place when all she did was show me that my place was with her?

He pulls away from me like I've burned him, as if being close to me suddenly caused him physical pain. "What the hell do you mean?" His voice is cold, and I know that no matter what I say, what I do, that there was no going back now.

I was diving head first into the deep end; void of a life jacket and giving it my all, I was hoping to come up for air eventually.

"I cheated on you" I state simply, not wanting to beat around the bush. What else was there to say? I no longer wanted to be married to him because I cheated on him; there was no putting it lightly.

"Addison..." he says, looking at me in disbelief. His voice trials off, as if he's run out of words to say but really, everything needs to be said.

"Derek" my voice was pleading with him to just understand what I was trying to tell him. "I want a divorce"

"You cheated on me" he stood there looking at me with that stupid dumbstruck look on his face, as if this were the last thing he'd ever expected.

In reality, it was a long time coming.

"I know" I state simply; when I'd told him that I was unfaithful to him, he didn't say a word. He sat there, in silence, and huffed as if I were doing no more than merely interrupting his day.

It's a look I'll never forget, and it's the look I'll always remember when I think of this moment.

"Why? Was the sex not good enough, we're you bored with me" he asks, tilting his head to the side. I almost laughed, but somehow, I'd managed to hold back. He looked so clueless, so lost, and I felt bad for him. How could someone be married and not even know how their own wife was feeling?

"It's not about sex" I plead, trying to make him see reason "I'm in love with her. I'm sorry I hurt you, but I'm not sorry that I love her" I couldn't ever apologize for feeling the way I did about Meredith; it wasn't a mistake, it wasn't an accident, it all just fell into place and I fell in love with her.