scream; malec au

chapter ten

Guilt. It haunted most people, even those not worthy of such an atrocious feeling. It would gnaw at your bones, chewing until it reached the core of your being. Magnus had felt it before; for small things, such as stealing a dollar or two from his dad to pay for something or other, or not opening the door for a person behind him.

But this, this was an entire other species of guilty. It sat on his shoulders, pestering him, poking him, reminding him. Magnus knew deep down that Max's murder wasn't his fault directly, but the sheer horror on Alec's face when Magnus and his dad arrived at their house was indescribable. It haunted him.

Magnus felt as though if he had been attacked, if he hadn't escaped, and he met his peril, Max would still be alive and breathing. Alec certainly wouldn't be traumatised for his entire life, as well as his family. Maryse was uncontrollable, not speaking to anyone, just wailing, wailing. 

When Magnus' father got the call, Magnus overheard him mention Alec's address and insisted that he go with him, even though his father had claimed that Alec wasn't the one who he would be collecting in a body bag. Even the idea of Alec lying motionless in that body bag set Magnus off into a flurry of discomfort.

Nothing could prepare Magnus for the scene he signed himself up to visit. Blood. Blood seeped into the carpet, staining it a satanic red, travelling through the carpet fibres to the floorboards to the soil to the roots to the world beneath. Max's body was being examined for evidence, his pure face drawing the attention of the room, eyes closed, eyelashes tickling his pale cheeks.

Magnus had to force his legs to push away from the horrific scene, shuffling over to where Alec sat, by himself, with a blanket around his shoulders, staring soullessly at the wall in front of him. "You okay?" Magnus asked softly, knowing that there was not even a slim chance that Alec was or ever would be, but wanted to try and make him feel better.

Alec didn't answer, just nodding his head slightly, not taking his eyes away from the fascinating sight of the bleak magnolia wall, some of the wallpaper curling down the tall wall. Magnus slowly sat next to him, letting his body slide against the wall until his body reached the ground.

Realising that Alec didn't want to talk right now, Magnus slowly took Alec's hand into his clam shell of hands, letting his warmth sink into Alec's cold skin like a heater to a block of ice. The two of them sat comfortably, letting the chaotic sounds around them fill their blank conversation, until Magnus softly asked if Alec wanted to stay at his tonight.

Alec nodded his head, knowing that if he even tried to part his lips to speak he would start crying again. Isabelle decided to stay at Clary's house, calling her, Clary and Jocelyn arriving shortly after to pick her up. Clary cradled Isabelle as she wept, soaking up the pain that poured down Isabelle's cheeks.

His parents and Jace decided to stay in a hotel room for the night, no one being able to stand the sight of the house, not that they would be able to. It was an active crime scene; police tape decorating the living room like tinsel on Christmas morning, blood staining the beige carpet like red wine spilling on a rug amongst the chaos of a cheerful party.

Magnus' father drove them back to their house after doing his business, Alec not saying a word, just staring out the window, letting his mind crawl out of his skull and wander in the landscape outside. He felt himself dissociate with his body, feeling his soul float away, suicidal goblins tormenting his mind.

Alec had never thought about suicide, not really, not seriously, but after the trauma he had just experienced it almost seemed normal. He knew that he wouldn't do it, not really, but he certainly thought about it. He thought about how he would do it, if he was going to do it, thinking about pain and how messy it would be. He wouldn't hang himself; the thought made him feel sick.