iris . vkook

ninety seven.

If you've ever been on the verge of suicide, you'll understand the feeling of reluctance. There's a faint flicker, a quiet voice at the back of your head that prevents you from doing it. It tells you not to. Somehow, in your crazed moment of overdosed adrenaline and fear and determination, there's something that's asking you to think about what you're doing, to step back for a second or two and truly think. There's something that grounds you, pulling you towards safety.

And more often than not, as you sit with your feet hanging over the edge, or as you sit with the excessive number of pills in your hand, or as the gun weighs heavy in your hand, you start to withdraw away from the action. Because you're scared.

Humans have a natural instinct to be afraid of death, since we're uncertain of what comes afterwards. We don't know for sure where our body goes or where our soul ends up. You can't fight an instinct, it knocks and prods at your mind as you're swivelling on the brink of death.

Are you scared of death or are you scared of failure?

Are you scared of the possibility that you've worked up the courage to get this far, only to hold back or for it to fail?

Taehyung was scared. He didn't know whether to apologise to Jeongguk for shouting at him, or whether to accept that his soulmate was the reason for his best friend's death. Whether he liked it or not, there was the domino effect - started by Jeongguk. He was scared of death - that he knew for sure. He was also a little scared of failure, he was frightened that if he did survive the fall, Jeongguk wouldn't speak to him or ever forgive him.

Jeongguk was right, Taehyung wasn't independent enough to deal with his own problems.

He'd become so accustomed to Jeongguk fixing everything and caring for him, that when something unfixable and irreversible occurred - he didn't know how to cope. 

He can't help but selfishly wish that someone else had held Hoseok as he had died, so that he didn't have to do it. But, at the same time, he's sadly happy that at least Hoseok died in the arms of someone who didn't hate him.

And sure, perhaps suicide wasn't the best option, it shouldn't have really been Taehyung's first consideration. But, he just wanted rid of all the bad thoughts and voices that were drowning him, stabbing and punching at every corner of his mind, making him delusional and forcing him to believe the untruth.

And so, he believed suicide was his only option. The only way to avenge Hoseok, the only way to cope with what he did and how to deal with the definite trauma that had stained him. Draining him of stability, tainting him with pain.

He sat on the edge of the apartment complex, his trainers heeling the old, chipped brick that somehow held up the building. He could barely see the bright lights and speeding cars, everything was swirling and blurring together into one bright white.

He couldn't distinguish between his tears and the heavy rain.

The precipitation stomped down on his shoulders, head and legs. It washed him freezing cold, but he couldn't care less.

He couldn't deal with the fact that he'd killed his best friend, but why in this moment was he thinking of Jeon Jeongguk?

He wanted to blame it on the fact that he was wearing his button-up, and that's why he was reminded of him. Or because he'd caught sight of his ring-less finger, regret, despair and anything pessimistic stabbing at his heart and flooding over his mind.

He hadn't realised in his moment of madness, that since they were soulmates, they were connected. Jeongguk could feel the mild symptoms of Taehyung's pained fear, and Taehyung could feel Jeongguk's panic.